Valentine's Introspection

I was promised a Valentine's article by a dear friend but I believe she got caught up in her own love affair, since I did not receive it. Unbeknown to her, she had to be an excuse to cover myself from exposing where I am with love. Now here I am with a piece that may present my own scrutinity of what I believe works for me and to a great degree I am quiet unabashed by writing this.

It is 11:20pm on Valentine's day. Normally I would be out somewhere with someone telling each other all stories that we only know are real in fairy-tales. But here I am with my pen and paper, writing away, for leisure and I must say with pleasure.

I was in a rocky relationship for four and a half years. When it ended I felt like I came from a sudden summer storm and landed in a convent of some sort; no drama, nothing, just normal people. This is what my friends always describe as "that random relationship that ends like a ruffie* date". Well, I think most of the details about that love affair are inconsequential.

Everyone around me is either in a committed relationship, about to get married or going through a divorce. In all honesty, my peers and I are at that age, where it has to be like that - minus the divorces. I live around people who have invested what may seem like a lifetime in each other and it is truly inspiring and beautiful to watch. This is the most amazing course of nature in human life and we all embrace it, just not my cycle.

Needless to say, I tend to seem incongruous in these settings. I have learned to scrupulously avoid anything and everything that could come across as negative or impose my feelings about hogging each other's time or anything of that sort.

This day took me to a time of my life when it was meaningless, I was in a committed but stormy relationship then, but Valentine's day didn't feel significant at that point. This took me down to times I've been single before and during all recesses I've had during my adventure with a "soul-mate".

There are times when I used to shock myself. Some days I felt like I was moving at F1 speed just to catch up with people around me at the time and also to please my audiences; strength over speed, impact over grace, kind of setting...if you get what I mean.

I have been at a point of my life where I decreed that I would have as much fun as possible, for as long as I could afford to and it had to be till the end of time. Nobody knew when that was but at the rate I was going, it could have been at any time. On any day of the week I would go on a drinking debauch; alone, with friends with someone I have randomly met earlier in the day - I didn't care. I rolled on that YOLO tip, but before YOLO came to our shores.

The most important things in my life were my dignity and my wallet, Oh! And my phone too. I would just leer at anyone and steal a kiss for the night if that's what I wanted. I had a chronic "me, me, me" syndrome. I was smooth, sharp with words and always dressed for every occasion like I was about to start the party. No one would dare interrogate me, I did the questioning and I would be quiet oblique if I had ulterior motives. LOL.

I had a long conversation today about Valentine's with a friend and we were laughing about how it used to be thee date to make a move for some people. A courteous occasion. Girls would hurl their youth at me and I would just step daintily into the group and grab whatever I fancied from each and throw at my boys. You'd swear I was feeding my dogs with meat; real flesh to tear and throw away. I did that. I was that guy who walked into a room and would start talking about anything and make it glitter. It had become easy to snare whoever I wanted with my charisma; I meant business.

My social magnetism revolved around my confidence and I never got threatened by the light skinned guys with rock-hard torsos and GQ mag styles, they were never an issue. The most important thing was to do me. I wasn't a player or the best looking guy but I oozed confidence and class. That's what saved me. I didn't submit to what I did not want to do. Maybe it was because I didn't have people buy me drinks and have no choice but to pay in kind. I always took care of my bills. That's what kept me sane, being picky and snobbish regardless of where I was. I never compromised myself, sexually.

Through my relationships and everyone I encountered I noticed what I did to those who fell for me. I have met a bunch of people who genuinely liked me, maybe loved me at times. I didn't care because I knew I was needed somewhere else; to make it happen and drink up a storm and laugh out loud. You wouldn't really expect me to stop the show and chase after any heart. I was the Elvis of my social circles, the Liberace of their fashion fantasies.

This had not been the perfect brand for me. It freaked me out at times. I did not want to be the insatiable and unrelenting person I had become. But it kept me busy, I forgot about all the things that I thought I would never have to face; my studies, my issues and my family.

A million rumours broke about me and I didn't care. Drugs, sexuality, promiscuity, pimp, party-animal, failure and all the dodge things came up, but I knew what was true and what wasn't. Of all the nonsense that came up I got torn by the drug rumour, it got to my family and it didn't sit well with them either. During my escapades I used to get offered drugs, literally every day. One night in Grahamstown some guys used my bank card for cocaine and I didn't mind, I wasn't on it. It didn't tickle my fancy.

My close friends know that I am totally ANTI-drugs, not even weed does it for me. God and I know I have never been on any illegal substance to get by. I have always had copious amounts of energy. I have learned to invest it in better things today; myself, my work, studies and family - and quality friends. It doesn't mean I don't party though, don't get lost in text.

I was oblivious to the long term effects of rumours but I would just shrug and go, because deep down I knew who I was, where I am headed and my gut told me this was a phase. I am not being epigrammatic but something had gone totally wrong and someone had to clear the mess. Sadly I had to.

Gradually, I grew up into being more comfortable with myself, more introspective and patient with myself. I learned how to pace myself. I thought I was losing my game but it felt better, it didn't matter. I toned down. It didn't happen overnight because I was still the resident gig-guide until early 2012. LOL.

I ended the cycle of the relationship that made me go crazy, it was over. Shit-face moved back to Swaziland for good and I got time to live without the possibility of drunk-dialling anyone. I didn't have to compensate. I met new prospects and rebounds and I failed them to, everything didn't work out. Could this have been Karma?

Back to Valentine's: I discovered little things about how intimate I am with the day. It feels like something I'd like to prolong and save, something counter-intuitive but really crucial to cherish. Maybe even give up my freedom and settle in someone's captivity. It made sense.

I didn't wake up one day and feel like Super Man, but I feel mature. I still laugh at how some friends accuse me of becoming an old man. I get sardonic glares every time I want to call it a night. I don't know what happened but I am the first one to want to go to bed. I do not have to keep up with anyone or impress anyone by playing die-hard. My love will find me, my reality will gravitate towards me.

Age isn't supporting the lifestyle of a Casanova and neither do my priorities. But I must say it took me a million love messages and a thousand hearts to make me realise that I am ready for love...but not marriage.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Firsts

I groaned and the alarm buzzed. I wasn't ready to get up, but I'm usually ready to get up. I have too much work to get through and I can't stand the thought of having to be tense at work because of pressure. They have just introduced the KPA system and I must say adjusting is not easy for me, more especially in cases where protocol determines my bonus.

It's 3:55am and I can't get work done or go back to sleep. I'm anticipating a new and better day than Monday was. There is already too much going through my head because I'm contemplating keep my studies on hold this year because of my calendar at work, but I can't really do that.

This normally happens when I have meetings with big personalities, but surprisingly there isn't a big client coming. I usually worry about what to wear, what to say and these even shoot right across to thinking whether my handshake is firm enough or maybe my smile is too wide and doesnt end up looking a goofy grin.

The nature of work I do has made me really comfortable with firsts. I never make much conversation but I always try to keep my dialogue open-ended, for the sake of a healthy atmosphere not necessarily because I like to hear the sound of my own voice. I voluntarily explore every single detail of conversations, oblivious to the many challenges that may inevitably arise.

There are quiet a number of similarities between corporate people regardless of the race, gender or age. Sometimes I wonder about difference. I wonder what it is that makes me a professional besides the rehearsed speeches and clothes I wear to conform to the image. My name? My dark skin? The fact that I am working class, but not poor? The fact that I see past iPads, the two-phone culture of corporate players who have "made it"? What really divides us? Maybe I am supposed to intuit the answer.

My highlights of firsts flash through my head literally like I have a show reel attached to my head. But I have just spotted my best first, this felt like my social investiture within a network of high flyers. I wish I could write about it but it is a pity I will end up mentioning people's names and be sued.

Firsts are uncomfortable moments for people. They are often subtle mysterious moments or emotional foreplay and where everyone decides to stay unknown regardless of the name tags or business cards. 

Ok, I have found a firsts I am comfortable with sharing. The first time I met my house mate at res. It was such an uncomfortable experience. I had never lived with anyone but my family and it had always been easy to throw tantrums, complain about food or leave something anywhere and expect to find it there.

He was just a guy. He couldn't be more than twenty, was my first thought when he walked into the apartment. We had a two bedroom flat and shared the kitchen and shower. He stood for a few seconds in the door way, hesitating. He didn't really look like someone who'd take the nonsense my friends do and say so right there & then two things went through my head 1) I'm going to make his life hell and he won't be here most of the time because he'll keep away from me or 2) I won't be having friends over and just be a good person to the lost soul.

He walked towards me with his hand hanging out as if he'd just come to greet me and leave.

"Sean!" He shook my hand. His grip was strong even though his palm was moist.

 I paused because I didn't know if this was where I was going to say "Dibe with an L" or just "Libe" and get off the hook. Anyway, something eventually came out.

 There are just too many things I have accustomed to by myself; carry my own groceries, change my curtains and bedding and move into a new apartment. I hate disappointments so I really don't expect much from people to avoid that. He looked around the apartment and went out to get his stuff from the car, I assumed. I didn't offer to help or anything, because I really didn't have to.

He came back with two bags and a heavily made up and weaved middle aged woman who didn't look like his mother or his sister. I didn't know what to expect of them at this point, this woman looked like she could roll out a bankie any day and hot-box the apartment.

They went into the room and started unpacking his stuff. I went back to my room and spread myself across my single bed and started plotting what could have been a mission to find out the relationship with the half naked woman.

 To be continued... (I have to get work done)

Marriage Spectator

Had a loooooong conversation about Marriage (I use the cap "M" because I respect and understand it is a reputable institution) with a married friend of mine this evening. Marriage doesn't just happen to anyone. I believe everyone who gets married has had it in their mind for a longer time & worked hard towards it. People imagine, dream, fantasize, pray & wish for it! The universe always delivers what we ask for, only when we constantly embrace our desires by reaching out to them.

My married friend believes getting married is overrated and for people who desperately need a partner to conquer life etc. He even went as far as saying married people are parasitic and shadow each other too much and that seems to be irksome for him. I can't discuss his issues because they seemed to be rooted from troubles at home.

At times like this I wish I could throw him out and ask him to talk to other married people. But again, I could be that different perspective he needs. Debatable...


For someone who is NEVER going to marry, I have my own perceptions and beliefs about marriage and having a family. My life plan has children involved but no marriage albeit my great respect for people who endorse this level of companionship into their affairs.

I jogged my mind through what I know and believe against what I have heard. As a spectator, I think it is the most beautiful union built on prolonged infatuation and tolerance, period. This is just me, I don't think love only is enough for Marriage, and I don't think people who have been married for anything over 10 years still love each other. It is pure tolerance & the laziness to even think of starting something else with anyone. Let's not be fooled. Damn! That was silly of me, I take it back *rolls eyes*.

Unfortunately, people tend to over-exercise power after they get married...expectations, orders, attitudes and at times the sexual appetites and services become ammunitions. That's just not on...

The idea of a wedding & companionship are really different from what Marriage really is. Everyone can have a wedding but not everyone can sustain a Marriage. I don't know where I heard that, but ya, it makes sense to me.

5 of 100 things which I think have and will always tear homes:

1. Sex: married people who don't have enough sex. I promise you it is shocking how many horny married people are roaming the streets spending real money on birds just to "curl toes".

2. Expectations: people need to understand that it won't take a Marriage Counselor to groom your partner into a wife/husband. You make your people, I strongly believe in expressing yourself better and frequently for the next person to get where you are. Don't bring that "but I said it the other time" bullshit!

3. The kids: it is so easy for kids to love parents who love each other. I know this because I used to think my dad was Superman when he did something nice for my mom (it didn't happen often, but hey, LOL). Married people should stop making kids the VIPs of their homes. Kids are mean, devious and need to be ruled not worshiped.

4. Material sh!t: the most fucked up part of married life is credit. Just because you can get more doesn't mean you need more. That "His & Hers" offer at BMW CAN tear the house down if you let it. Just because Rendani & Beyonce took the new Mercedes "His & Hers", it doesn't mean you guys need to. For all shit that's possible Rendani could be fucking his gay boss who's secretly paying for the cars & the house...just saying.

5. Tension, Time & Truth: I don't know how everyone gets beat by all these (Bachelors & Spinsters included). I'm not going to go into this one either because my references will be based on my friend and it might get me into trouble.

If I was planning to get married I would (5 of 1000):

1. Not try to be a great son in law to her parents or siblings but try to stay the best man she married. In Laws always fuck up good things I promise you, they are too quick to judge and spot errors without presenting solutions. But I'd sure respect them for their wisdom.

2. Try as hard as I can to EARN respect and confidence from my wife but not enforce it. It goes a long way, from SINCERELY apologizing where I'm wrong to HONESTLY forgiving where I'm wronged etc

3. Keep my friends' and family's opinions out of my house when handling my arguments. Nothing is as retarded as someone who can't stand up for anything and always have to quote someone when shit hits the fan.

4. NEVER get caught!! Guys need to master this art. The fear and curiosity of the unknown are the most evil source of temptation to any man.

5. Not have kids until we get to a point where companionship has been balanced and we can accommodate a third-wheeler and keep them in their place. This whole having kids nonsense shouldn't be rushed, PACE yourselves.

I know someone is reading this and thinking "What does he know??" Well, let me just answer that.

1. I know that I can get out of a sticky situation without a terrible fight, learn that.

2. I can remain humble no matter how unfair the situation is and express myself without making the next person feel attacked, do that.

3. I know that you aren't sure if this is really what marriage is about. If you are sure she is the one then make her happy by being your best. If you ask me how "to be your best" then get a divorce & commit suicide because you are clearly a retard.

4. I know that I can navigate between different personalities to accommodate the people I am investing in long term relationships with...be a clown, a brother, friend, partner, mentor, listener, follower, fan & the friend that prays. As a man, you need to shut your eyes and play a fool now and again, it won't hurt you, but just encourage the feedback you anticipate when you do all these.

5. I know my worth & how God expects me to lead my life. I refuse to commit to anything which is supposed to be in Holy matrimony & divorce after a year.

I don't know much about Marriage, but I know a lot about quality relationships and the FACT that I am not going to marry. Make it work guys, its YOUR call.

I am really excited for ALL my friends getting married this year & I wish you the best!! #MakeItWork #Thick&Thin...fUn & CLASs