I was
promised a Valentine's article by a dear friend but I believe she got caught up
in her own love affair, since I did not receive it. Unbeknown to her, she had
to be an excuse to cover myself from exposing where I am with love. Now here I
am with a piece that may present my own scrutinity of what I believe works for
me and to a great degree I am quiet unabashed by writing this.
It is 11:20pm on Valentine's day. Normally I would be out somewhere with someone telling each other all stories that we only know are real in fairy-tales. But here I am with my pen and paper, writing away, for leisure and I must say with pleasure.
I was in a rocky relationship for four and a half years. When it ended I felt like I came from a sudden summer storm and landed in a convent of some sort; no drama, nothing, just normal people. This is what my friends always describe as "that random relationship that ends like a ruffie* date". Well, I think most of the details about that love affair are inconsequential.
Everyone around me is either in a committed relationship, about to get married or going through a divorce. In all honesty, my peers and I are at that age, where it has to be like that - minus the divorces. I live around people who have invested what may seem like a lifetime in each other and it is truly inspiring and beautiful to watch. This is the most amazing course of nature in human life and we all embrace it, just not my cycle.
Needless to say, I tend to seem incongruous in these settings. I have learned to scrupulously avoid anything and everything that could come across as negative or impose my feelings about hogging each other's time or anything of that sort.
This day took me to a time of my life when it was meaningless, I was in a committed but stormy relationship then, but Valentine's day didn't feel significant at that point. This took me down to times I've been single before and during all recesses I've had during my adventure with a "soul-mate".
There are times when I used to shock myself. Some days I felt like I was moving at F1 speed just to catch up with people around me at the time and also to please my audiences; strength over speed, impact over grace, kind of setting...if you get what I mean.
I have been at a point of my life where I decreed that I would have as much fun as possible, for as long as I could afford to and it had to be till the end of time. Nobody knew when that was but at the rate I was going, it could have been at any time. On any day of the week I would go on a drinking debauch; alone, with friends with someone I have randomly met earlier in the day - I didn't care. I rolled on that YOLO tip, but before YOLO came to our shores.
The most important things in my life were my dignity and my wallet, Oh! And my phone too. I would just leer at anyone and steal a kiss for the night if that's what I wanted. I had a chronic "me, me, me" syndrome. I was smooth, sharp with words and always dressed for every occasion like I was about to start the party. No one would dare interrogate me, I did the questioning and I would be quiet oblique if I had ulterior motives. LOL.
I had a long conversation today about Valentine's with a friend and we were laughing about how it used to be thee date to make a move for some people. A courteous occasion. Girls would hurl their youth at me and I would just step daintily into the group and grab whatever I fancied from each and throw at my boys. You'd swear I was feeding my dogs with meat; real flesh to tear and throw away. I did that. I was that guy who walked into a room and would start talking about anything and make it glitter. It had become easy to snare whoever I wanted with my charisma; I meant business.
My social magnetism revolved around my confidence and I never got threatened by the light skinned guys with rock-hard torsos and GQ mag styles, they were never an issue. The most important thing was to do me. I wasn't a player or the best looking guy but I oozed confidence and class. That's what saved me. I didn't submit to what I did not want to do. Maybe it was because I didn't have people buy me drinks and have no choice but to pay in kind. I always took care of my bills. That's what kept me sane, being picky and snobbish regardless of where I was. I never compromised myself, sexually.
Through my relationships and everyone I encountered I noticed what I did to those who fell for me. I have met a bunch of people who genuinely liked me, maybe loved me at times. I didn't care because I knew I was needed somewhere else; to make it happen and drink up a storm and laugh out loud. You wouldn't really expect me to stop the show and chase after any heart. I was the Elvis of my social circles, the Liberace of their fashion fantasies.
This had not been the perfect brand for me. It freaked me out at times. I did not want to be the insatiable and unrelenting person I had become. But it kept me busy, I forgot about all the things that I thought I would never have to face; my studies, my issues and my family.
A million rumours broke about me and I didn't care. Drugs, sexuality, promiscuity, pimp, party-animal, failure and all the dodge things came up, but I knew what was true and what wasn't. Of all the nonsense that came up I got torn by the drug rumour, it got to my family and it didn't sit well with them either. During my escapades I used to get offered drugs, literally every day. One night in Grahamstown some guys used my bank card for cocaine and I didn't mind, I wasn't on it. It didn't tickle my fancy.
My close friends know that I am totally ANTI-drugs, not even weed does it for me. God and I know I have never been on any illegal substance to get by. I have always had copious amounts of energy. I have learned to invest it in better things today; myself, my work, studies and family - and quality friends. It doesn't mean I don't party though, don't get lost in text.
I was oblivious to the long term effects of rumours but I would just shrug and go, because deep down I knew who I was, where I am headed and my gut told me this was a phase. I am not being epigrammatic but something had gone totally wrong and someone had to clear the mess. Sadly I had to.
Gradually, I grew up into being more comfortable with myself, more introspective and patient with myself. I learned how to pace myself. I thought I was losing my game but it felt better, it didn't matter. I toned down. It didn't happen overnight because I was still the resident gig-guide until early 2012. LOL.
I ended the cycle of the relationship that made me go crazy, it was over. Shit-face moved back to Swaziland for good and I got time to live without the possibility of drunk-dialling anyone. I didn't have to compensate. I met new prospects and rebounds and I failed them to, everything didn't work out. Could this have been Karma?
Back to Valentine's: I discovered little things about how intimate I am with the day. It feels like something I'd like to prolong and save, something counter-intuitive but really crucial to cherish. Maybe even give up my freedom and settle in someone's captivity. It made sense.
I didn't wake up one day and feel like Super Man, but I feel mature. I still laugh at how some friends accuse me of becoming an old man. I get sardonic glares every time I want to call it a night. I don't know what happened but I am the first one to want to go to bed. I do not have to keep up with anyone or impress anyone by playing die-hard. My love will find me, my reality will gravitate towards me.
Age isn't supporting the lifestyle of a Casanova and neither do my priorities. But I must say it took me a million love messages and a thousand hearts to make me realise that I am ready for love...but not marriage.
Happy Valentine's Day!
It is 11:20pm on Valentine's day. Normally I would be out somewhere with someone telling each other all stories that we only know are real in fairy-tales. But here I am with my pen and paper, writing away, for leisure and I must say with pleasure.
I was in a rocky relationship for four and a half years. When it ended I felt like I came from a sudden summer storm and landed in a convent of some sort; no drama, nothing, just normal people. This is what my friends always describe as "that random relationship that ends like a ruffie* date". Well, I think most of the details about that love affair are inconsequential.
Everyone around me is either in a committed relationship, about to get married or going through a divorce. In all honesty, my peers and I are at that age, where it has to be like that - minus the divorces. I live around people who have invested what may seem like a lifetime in each other and it is truly inspiring and beautiful to watch. This is the most amazing course of nature in human life and we all embrace it, just not my cycle.
Needless to say, I tend to seem incongruous in these settings. I have learned to scrupulously avoid anything and everything that could come across as negative or impose my feelings about hogging each other's time or anything of that sort.
This day took me to a time of my life when it was meaningless, I was in a committed but stormy relationship then, but Valentine's day didn't feel significant at that point. This took me down to times I've been single before and during all recesses I've had during my adventure with a "soul-mate".
There are times when I used to shock myself. Some days I felt like I was moving at F1 speed just to catch up with people around me at the time and also to please my audiences; strength over speed, impact over grace, kind of setting...if you get what I mean.
I have been at a point of my life where I decreed that I would have as much fun as possible, for as long as I could afford to and it had to be till the end of time. Nobody knew when that was but at the rate I was going, it could have been at any time. On any day of the week I would go on a drinking debauch; alone, with friends with someone I have randomly met earlier in the day - I didn't care. I rolled on that YOLO tip, but before YOLO came to our shores.
The most important things in my life were my dignity and my wallet, Oh! And my phone too. I would just leer at anyone and steal a kiss for the night if that's what I wanted. I had a chronic "me, me, me" syndrome. I was smooth, sharp with words and always dressed for every occasion like I was about to start the party. No one would dare interrogate me, I did the questioning and I would be quiet oblique if I had ulterior motives. LOL.
I had a long conversation today about Valentine's with a friend and we were laughing about how it used to be thee date to make a move for some people. A courteous occasion. Girls would hurl their youth at me and I would just step daintily into the group and grab whatever I fancied from each and throw at my boys. You'd swear I was feeding my dogs with meat; real flesh to tear and throw away. I did that. I was that guy who walked into a room and would start talking about anything and make it glitter. It had become easy to snare whoever I wanted with my charisma; I meant business.
My social magnetism revolved around my confidence and I never got threatened by the light skinned guys with rock-hard torsos and GQ mag styles, they were never an issue. The most important thing was to do me. I wasn't a player or the best looking guy but I oozed confidence and class. That's what saved me. I didn't submit to what I did not want to do. Maybe it was because I didn't have people buy me drinks and have no choice but to pay in kind. I always took care of my bills. That's what kept me sane, being picky and snobbish regardless of where I was. I never compromised myself, sexually.
Through my relationships and everyone I encountered I noticed what I did to those who fell for me. I have met a bunch of people who genuinely liked me, maybe loved me at times. I didn't care because I knew I was needed somewhere else; to make it happen and drink up a storm and laugh out loud. You wouldn't really expect me to stop the show and chase after any heart. I was the Elvis of my social circles, the Liberace of their fashion fantasies.
This had not been the perfect brand for me. It freaked me out at times. I did not want to be the insatiable and unrelenting person I had become. But it kept me busy, I forgot about all the things that I thought I would never have to face; my studies, my issues and my family.
A million rumours broke about me and I didn't care. Drugs, sexuality, promiscuity, pimp, party-animal, failure and all the dodge things came up, but I knew what was true and what wasn't. Of all the nonsense that came up I got torn by the drug rumour, it got to my family and it didn't sit well with them either. During my escapades I used to get offered drugs, literally every day. One night in Grahamstown some guys used my bank card for cocaine and I didn't mind, I wasn't on it. It didn't tickle my fancy.
My close friends know that I am totally ANTI-drugs, not even weed does it for me. God and I know I have never been on any illegal substance to get by. I have always had copious amounts of energy. I have learned to invest it in better things today; myself, my work, studies and family - and quality friends. It doesn't mean I don't party though, don't get lost in text.
I was oblivious to the long term effects of rumours but I would just shrug and go, because deep down I knew who I was, where I am headed and my gut told me this was a phase. I am not being epigrammatic but something had gone totally wrong and someone had to clear the mess. Sadly I had to.
Gradually, I grew up into being more comfortable with myself, more introspective and patient with myself. I learned how to pace myself. I thought I was losing my game but it felt better, it didn't matter. I toned down. It didn't happen overnight because I was still the resident gig-guide until early 2012. LOL.
I ended the cycle of the relationship that made me go crazy, it was over. Shit-face moved back to Swaziland for good and I got time to live without the possibility of drunk-dialling anyone. I didn't have to compensate. I met new prospects and rebounds and I failed them to, everything didn't work out. Could this have been Karma?
Back to Valentine's: I discovered little things about how intimate I am with the day. It feels like something I'd like to prolong and save, something counter-intuitive but really crucial to cherish. Maybe even give up my freedom and settle in someone's captivity. It made sense.
I didn't wake up one day and feel like Super Man, but I feel mature. I still laugh at how some friends accuse me of becoming an old man. I get sardonic glares every time I want to call it a night. I don't know what happened but I am the first one to want to go to bed. I do not have to keep up with anyone or impress anyone by playing die-hard. My love will find me, my reality will gravitate towards me.
Age isn't supporting the lifestyle of a Casanova and neither do my priorities. But I must say it took me a million love messages and a thousand hearts to make me realise that I am ready for love...but not marriage.
Happy Valentine's Day!
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