Open Letter to my Married Friends and Friends in Long term relationships

This soooo long overdue but I think I should spit it out...

I applaud you guys daily and think the paths you have chosen are amazing. Your lives are remarkable and I won't lie I envy you at times. The companionship, belonging, togetherness, soul mate, support, 'ride or die' co-pilots of your lives. It is just amazing and inspiring.

However, I have a few values I live by - both cultural and social, over and above that, I am a christian and wouldn't want to subject myself to being the 'single friend with a hiding place'. This little piece is not necessarily to end friendships but to try to highlight a couple of things that you may take for granted.

Before I even start, let me demystify this letter with my point of reference. I care more about my job than anyone else because it my safe house and the one thing that is COMPLETELY up to me to keep a clean relationship with. I carry an over night bag in my boot just in case I have to sleep over anywhere - something you can't do. The most important things to me right now are - my medical aid, life+car+household insurance, my home, tracker, funeral policy and savings. With all these I feel safe and protected, hence it boils down to my job security.

Here we go... Please note this is not a social 'embargo', just how I feel:

1. I strongly believe married people should be friends with other married people, merely because you guys have similar values, problems, plans, dreams etc. This isn't because I think single people are destructive but we are just a bit more available and able to do things without having to report to anyone - too fluid to be exact. I have sadly seen how this messes up my routine and puts a strain in your relationships. The compromise is draining. I'm not trying to be sagacious, but just asking you to stick with your own.

2. As I mentioned values and all earlier, I really feel insulted by friends who randomly show up at my place with concubines and expect me to be all smiles and watch the adulterous escapades in my sanctuary. It would probably be cool if we were 19, 20 or maybe 23. In this world of AIDS and a life expectancy of 46, it is not impressive and makes me question a lot about you.

3. There is an unwritten law of defence and loyalty between friends. I can't keep lying to your partner claiming you were at my place when you weren't. I do it anyway because I don't want you guys to fight. And you are my friend. This boils down to you respecting my home. If you think your single friend's place is a 'cool spot' not a home, it is a totally treacherous. Just to set it straight, this is my HOME - a place where I plan my life and negotiate my future with God and my mother sleeps in the same house when she's around. It is not just a spot, it is a reputable home. Don't be deceived by the amount of alcohol I keep, it isn't a bar. Don't be fooled by my mismatched couches and looming loneliness and trash bin full of take away containers and pizza boxes, it is a stylish bachelor's home and we barely have home cooked meals.

4. You have committed to being someone's everything and eternity, please live up to that. If it means cutting out friends like me for the better, I will completely understand because I have committed to a career and I'm not ready to be anyone's Alpha and Omega. I would advice you to have the attitude of bread and wine after transubstantiation.

5. You can't be the cool newly wedds forever, at some point of your life, you will be a TYPICAL husband or wife. This doesn't make you boring but wiser and more stable - a trait which I will always look up to you because you have and I haven't felt the need to work on as yet.

With all that said, I just want to ask for a little respect on behalf of all your single friends. These trapdoor relationships aren't healthy for us. Your idea of fun with single friends shouldn't be a travesty of reality.

If anything, I believe it would be great to be a family friend not the wife or husband's friend only. If I'm a friend worth keeping, I'm honoured but please don't employ my name in darkness.

Now, my committed friends, if you think Swiss has 20million attractive friends, I'll convey the compliments not pimp. I just happened to make a career out of my hobbies, one of them being a serial networker... Don't make me regret it.

Fear of the unknown

The easiest way for most people is leading their lives through norms. A lot of things are said to be ok because they have been done and worked fine. We have cultures, sub-cultures and various groups practicing similar activities which we believe they are the orders of life and 'how' life has to be. It is a scary tall order, almost impossible to change because of the 'best practice' tag on it.

I try to look at life from a million possible angles, through different emotions and without any draw-backs. If anything I find us trying to re-invent everything that has been exhausted by merely polishing the little there is around us. What happened to innovation and freedom of expression? Scary aren't they?

I recently had a lengthy conversation about diversity, reality and feminism, sexuality with one of my older friends. Let me paint this picture for you. He is 41, a believer in God but doesn't go to church, with a wife, three beautiful kids, a middle class citizen who hopes one day he will be a millionaire. I know everything is possible, but I believe you have to brush against your dreams by exploring every possible option. He has this assumption that people tend to do all the wrong things in this world because they are desperate and have to survive. He later contradicted himself with a bold statement that accused the system of failing the people and encouraging them to relax is falsified comfort zones. Do you see the things I go through? I put myself through the torture of listening to conversations I disapprove of, about 95% of my life. Maybe I get a kick out of freaking people out with my thoughts and realities.

The point I'm trying to address here is the limitless possibilities we always preach about and the lengths we are willing to go to transform these into our resources. Ironically I saw a HUGE billboard the other day promoting Jeep, their tag line is a fierce "Live without limits". The first reaction I had was to roll my eyes.

There are many people I have met through this trip of trying to throw my brand in everyone's faces. Some of them are extremely liberal although I think they present chameleon personalities most of the time. Many people, especially the 'evolved' South African citizens have multiple personalities to suit different societies and structures that feed them at a particular point. Are we lingering spirits?

The fear of the unknown has become red-tape around our lifestyles, truism and self-identity. How sad is that? I stared at the TV for an hour that felt like a week when Noeleen and her guests discussed feminism. We are still a few generations from being a civil nation. Our sheepish attitudes towards each other will always affect our growth, resilience and any prospective social development. This is merely because we have crazy expectations set for each other, of which no one really lives up to them. I can tell you today individuals are written off as outcasts or weirdos.

For over two decades I have been working on investing in my emotions, intellect, personality and my shadows to be able to define the 'me' that I present today. There are so many different things and this is the life I know. It makes it easy for me. I believe growth is better cultivated when you are comfortable in your skin and become confident to compliment yourself. Being adept at multi-tasking becomes a bonus as long as you are the last person you lie to.

Flowers for Maphano, my Hero!

I think I'm over explaining that I'm a big personality and love my hussle with all my heart and my greatest fear is being poor or anything that leads to unhappiness blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, before I even start I would like to apologise to everyone who has been nagging me about writing. I don't know what hit me but work has been CRAZY and I haven't touched base with anything to inspire me. I wouldn't just write because you asked. If you get bored and are that desperate to read, please grab the telephone directory.

It has been a hectic time but with India.Arie's new album I still maintain that life is meant to be fun. It sounds cheesy, but I know quiet a number of people but there are about five who I have stepped up to, to introduced myself, not because I thought they are cool but they exhume positive energy and that's my addiction. I'm confessing to be a 'liker of the finer things' and the kind of guy who puts his mind on anything and works hard to make it a reality.

I have never been one to be reticent about my thoughts, feelings and/or expectations, but I draw back a lot of times when I have to.

I love with my life and believe with my heart and I respect EVERYONE but I don't trust most of them, especially those that don't appreciate time and life. Being a firm believer in loyalty, equality and fraternity, you'd swear I'm a model wishing for 'world peace'. Anyway, this is not about me...this is about my hero, my friend, my crazy fool, 'earthing cable' and my role model.

I had heard about Maphano's tragic story but I just thought it was one of those stories you hear and turn away hoping the person will JBS. With a tiny hometown, a number of people would mention this amazing personality in awe and she sound intriguing, too cool and charging. I thought it wass about time I met this person and introduced myself (I'm sure she's laughing at this, because I actually did.)

We met a few years ago at a party and I just stepped up to the loud bubbly fire ball on the chair. She was with some of her girls and I just said "Hi, I'm Libe and just came to introduce myself" she gave me a hearty "Hi Libe!!" with no qualms but a beautiful smile. We had a mini-chat and then Facebook then BBM then, then, then, then, then... she's one of my close friends now and she makes me laugh my lungs out as much as she seems to get stronger everyday.

The sweetness of our friendship is nurtured by the not so frequent but intense conversations (DMC as you might want to call them): by the honestly and humor that connect us, the desire to create new things and evolve into better beings everyday. Our wildest trapeze artist-like fantasies and levity bind us and just grow telepathic bonds between us. I think she's amazing. I think she is powerful, kind and human.

I never knew the Maphano people knew before she was on the chair, but I heard she is the same person, not easily fazed by bouts of lethargy or depression. She is that great, her soul is made above her dreams. My approach and how I wooed her into the friendship made me think I would have to grab a number and hit the queue to earn my place as a good friend, but that's not how it happened. She embraced me like a good song.

We got along from get go, we have crazy conversations which I righteously put 'red-tape' around because I thought some topics were sensitive. From people like her, I have developed this powerful sang-froid in my character and don't fear anything. She ushered me into her personal life like she has a mousetrap for me and we 'burst' into laughter. I had no choice but to open up and just let her know everything a true friend should know. She is totally hilarious and one of the BEST people I have ever met. She IS tranquility, humility, beauty, craziness and more...

From a friend to a hero, I salute you, adore you and wish you a happier life. Nothing is as amazing as drawing inspiration from the people around you: peers, friends and superstars around. I dare you to remain sanguine and you will never have to seek any sanctuary because you have a home in your soul, which you share with millions of people like me. In recognition of the person that you are, I just wanted to take time and give you your flowers now, to brighten your life. I wouldn't want to be the friend kicking and screaming in the afterlife indebted with your flowers. You are the reason I know that anything is possible and my dark days shall pass.

You are amazing!! Salute.

This is the ONLY time #ForBachelorsOnly

I accidentally woke up two hours earlier than I should, such a #bummer. So I decided to invest a few minutes into my blog because I have been a stranger here since my June started crazy with lots of work and events.

I went to bed annoyed by a few things about being a bachelor. It gets to me at times, but it is ok because my major responsibilities are still my mother, nephew and myself, in that order. She's actually become less demanding these days, I think she has a boyfriend. On the other hand my nephew worries me with his tantrums and how he thinks we are the same age or maybe I'm younger. I don't think at 4 I was that dramatic and a bully. He is picking up on labels and now demands to wear Polo or Guess stuff to school and fights his mother. He hates tomato sauce and a few other things that kids love. I might be to blame. LOL!

 

Anyway, as I sat in bed enjoying my new addiction, tea, after a night out. I tried to count my blessings but I didn't want to get myself in trouble with God because I would start complaining. I ended up drawing a list in my mind of all the things I can do now...

 After twenty-five before thirty there is so little you can do but you are allowed to be an extremist. Wow! Can't believe I just associated myself with the big three-zero. This is where I get my latest line before I make any crazy purchase or disappear into the wild nights of Gauteng. My new line, 'this is the only time...'

Let me try to break it down to you by giving you a few examples of what this means.

This is the only time....

 - You can afford to buy the craziest pair of shoes worth anything around R4000 because you don't have a family to provide for. What's ‘a few weeks’ on cereal and chicken mayo sandwich 24/7? *shrugs*

- This is the only time you can purchase a convertible two door and be the guy in the 'red sports car' who dresses and looks like he just stepped out of GQ pages and not have a nagging woman/man on your shoulder.

- You can be the main and only member on your medical aid. Use it as much as you can and enjoy it. I'm actually going to start visiting my Dr when I have hangovers.

- You can be arrested for driving over the speed limit, spend the night in a cell and make jokes about it at the bar.

- You can afford to live in an up market townhouse with the furniture YOU like and always have the TV on your favourite channel.

- You can stay in bed until 1pm without anyone complaining or waking up to your mother in law screaming "Dear Lord, does he ever get out of bed! I think he'll die and you won't even know." from the lounge. When did she get here??
 

- You can save something as hilarious as R800pm and not feel guilty.

- You can commit to two or more jobs and still have time to party and study. #StoryOfMyLife

- This is the only time you can ask your siblings for R1500 loans half-way through the month and not be embarrassed to even have dinner at their place for the whole week. Hope you don't do this to your moms guys. LOL #SideEyesSomeone

 

- You can afford to take work home and actually get it done. No brat will be screaming 'wook' in attempt to say 'look' and next thing the fool points at a curtain.

- As a PR guy this is the ONLY time people will be fascinated by the well-spoken black guy who always laughs and closes deals like a pro. My greatest fear is being 33 and at events on Wednesday nights trying to get the Director's number. I would rather be stuck marking scripts in my house as a lecturer or a lifestyle magazine editor trotting the globe on food/wine tasting sprees etc. I wouldn't want to shame myself competing with 25-30 year old #CorporateProstitutes. Surely my system won't allow late nights and early mornings, but the reverse.

- You can afford to kiss and tell. After 30 you'll pay someone to keep it a secret. After 35 you threaten to kill them. After 40 your blood pressure would shoot at their sight. After 50 wouldn't be sure if it's the same person you were with. LMAO

That's just to give you an idea of how I feel about being over 25 and approaching that number that I mentioned before. Life gets serious but it is ok to be a little disorganized but not too messy with your time, finances, health, lifestyle and faith.

My turmoil is always brought by the question I ask myself EVERYDAY before I go to bed, even in the least state of sobriety I ask myself "What was my highlight today?"

I still laugh at myself when I don't have any, but I pray for better days. It is ok not to have the most exciting days, as much as it is ok to over celebrate little achievements now and again. I think it builds morale for bigger ones.

To you my friend, I say: make the best out of the weekends, take that risk and finish off the sentence "This is the ONLY time I can...”

Good luck!!

My First TV Interview

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06EIhhuyJhw

Pay day Blues

I know a couple of people who have been silently waiting for this Friday, not necessarily with excitement but to get back to life. Living on toast and jam for a week was hard neh?? There you go, you have your monies! I hope you regain your sanity and smile a little bit. It isn't our fault you can't budget. I had prawns last night ;)...at an event. LOL

The sad part is - you were not told the truth. I'm not being silly but, your HR and Finance Manager just decided to keep quiet about a few things that would make you run. The truth is they just give us enough to look healthy, decent and go to the slave house. It is up to us to be resourceful and wise.

I have quick tips for you about pay day being on the Friday just because the 25th is a Saturday. Note, it means an extra day to the next pay day. I would really appreciate if advertisers and financial gurus don't read this because they are the evil spirits behind this strategy.

May is somewhat almost like January, with all the holidays in March and April blah, blah, blah, we have spent pretty much more than we would on a "normal" month. Went on holiday and had to live up to the promises we made to families and etc.

My quick tips (based on experience and obviously the people around me):

- If you wake up to more than 3SMSs from debit orders and none of them is your rent, car or savings then you are living beyond your means. Get help before you start claiming you have been a fraud victim or bewitched.

- It is ok to have dinner plans for tonight, but it is not ok to pay more than you normally do. It is pay day and almost everyone around that table will be paid too. Don't be fooled by the neon lights, stick to your Savanna/Beer please. You will have Vodka/Whisky at a work function or at a house party because you can get it from Makro at 70% lesser than what it is there.

- My mother always says, when its pay day you shouldn't take your lunch box, that's your day to have just 1 meal you have been craving between the 20th and today. Don't over do it, one is enough.

- If you happen to be the person leaving the office for the shops and someone asks you to bring them juice, ask for that R12.99 back. Don't be embarrassed, you are entitled to it. Everyone in there got paid, right? It will make a difference on the dish washing liquid when you buy your groceries tomorrow.

- Don't fall for the petty "I get paid on the 31st let's have drinks on you this weekend, I will cover next week." I would be a millionaire if I never fell for that sh!t. In most cases the 31st falls on a weekday and you will go as far as Phuza-Thursday, this means you will have about 5 rounds lesser than what you paid, this saves them -+R600. Even if it will be a weekend, there aren't many gigs as the weekend of the 25th; people prefer braais than going out because they would have paid bills and stuff.

- DO NOT go shopping: After 4years' experience in retail I am really clued up. This is the weekend for shops to make targets, the nonsense that's marked "Clearance SALE" there are probably 5 more items at the back or other branch. Wait for them to chop the price again in two weeks.

- Plastic, plastic, plastic: I know we all love to touch and feel our money and all, but its not worth it (especially us bo darkie!!) Just swipe and draw money at tills if you need to. It seems a bit rural but it is all worth it!! That R7.50 ATM charge could cover a loaf of bread from the Spar bakery on the 16th (that micro-bus looking loaf that you have to cut for yourself, but you can't really do it when it is hot). I've seen someone hide. LOL! Kunzima.

- NO to YOLO: That R4300 HOT pair of shoes can wait until it is R2800 in 6 weeks. Or Aldo, San Marina or Europa would have cloned it and give it to you at R1490 or less. If you really want it scrutinize it until you see something wrong on it, you can negotiate a cool R800 discount if you are good. It is your right as a customer.

- This is NOT the time to buy winter jackets and boots, if you haven't bought them in March, wait for August and you will wear them next year. It IS OK not to have the latest trend. As long as you still rock what you have and it is decent.

- Your electricity bills will be going up. Choose wisely, either buy an electric blanket or a heater. You don't need all of them. Shower in the evening and wrap up under a blanket with a cup of soup or coffee (Jacobs please) and just stop moaning. It is winter, unless you were born in hell or something. Oh! And ya, have sex...safe sex.

- Invest in the winter fruits. They aren't the best fruits in the history of Adam and Even and their outdoor sex scandal. But they are good for you and will save you the savings on your medical aid. Play smart now.

- Ladies: Allow them to take you out on dates, this is the busy weekend in your town and you won't miss it so enjoy it on someone's card. But don't go to his place, you are gonna be screwed after a young Ricoffy gesture in a mug he got from his flat mate at varsity. Did I mention Lover's + condom from a promo girl at the mall earlier when you went to the loo? Eish women and the loo though!

- Guys: Most of the restaurants have specials and there is always a food promo/ special somewhere. Don't have the main course and dessert at the same place. Opt for the let's take a walk bullsh!t after dinner and get her frozen yoghurt at R17.50 from the container in the middle of the mall (she can have it as you walk walk to the car, lesser time to bear listening to what she thinks love is and a good man#AintNobodyGotTimeForThat. It saves you the odd R41.20 piece of cake at a restaurant. Take her there and pull the "I'm a simple down to Earth guy" card. They love it and trust me, you will get laid.

- I have developed a mean way of saving. It has brought me down from around R1800 on groceries to between 600 and 800. As I do my groceries shopping, I ask myself "Can I live without it??" Yes, I have become extremely stingy and boring. This means there won't be dinners at my place anymore, hence there wasn't even a party this year for my 21st. #shock&horror

- If you have a young dinner party. Buy your meat (e.g. chicken and lamb) for everyone and prepare it, get your wine (enough for you and your girl ONLY) then ask the rest of the fools to each bring a salad and a bottle of wine or whatever that makes them smile. It is fair because you are giving them a venue to hangout pretend they are happy at each other’s' emotional expenses.

- Girls who have been seeing a guy for a while: The dinner bill is yours this weekend. Men want little things like that even if he can afford it. He will buy you a trench coat tomorrow after breakfast ;) But you know there will be a young Durban July in bed tonight for that #EarnIt

- And last but not least: If you are going out in your car this weekend with friends, the drinks bill excludes you. A cab is R80 so the b!tches better be logical thinkers. The guy that pays for entrance will NOT buy a round until everyone has bought the second round.

Now kids!! Have a wonderful pay day weekend and be safe with your money. Respect, value and appreciate money. It will do the same for you.

Wish I was also paid...anyone wanna date me?

Our sons, daughters and blessings

The little pleasures of life seem to be taken for granted by many people, most of us and the best of us. Our blessings on the other hand are perceived as the material achievements we are served by the Universe and the Great God. Fast cars, posh apartments, designer clothes, electric credit profiles, lavish lifestyles and sound academic profiles as well as other heart-racing successes that define us as the elite, learned and achievers.

I had an experience today that drew me closer to the harsh reality of longing to have what seems to be a norm for others, but only a fantasy for the rest. A young boy who would like to have a father but seems to be hurt by hope. Repercussions of a man's decision to be unavailable.

In this cruel world, some of the things we are blessed with as human beings are: decisions, personalities, emotions and spirituality. This draws me to a conversation I had with a friend about a year ago, she had just got herself a new job and a totally amazing life partner with who they advanced their union in holy matrimony. She couldn't conceive and it frustrated her, it killed him too, but not his love for his wife. They invested in all possible religious and clinical measures in pursuit of conception, but it just wasn't in their script.

Just about an hour ago I met the most amazing 8year old. He is blessed with life, great brains and a personality to die for. But he does not have a loving father, all he has is his pretty mother with a booming career and super-woman's will power to be both mom and dad to her son. She is winning, but there is a world around the young man and the harsh society that imposes norms on his developing repertoire.

As I have said before, individuality is the greatest strength anyone can have, but belonging strengthens us and nurtures us best. No matter how hard we try to protect and instil some things in our kids - no man is an Island. They observe, duplicate and are most sensitive when they are learning. Learning is more fun when you are not stuck in oblivion. They know, grow fast and notice more than we can imagine. They are AWARE.

MY BROTHERS: I know there will be more women reading this than guys. That says a lot about your sensitivity to detail. Do we still argue that men are more particular?

I respect, pride and celebrate myself for being a man in the current world of a million transformations. Some of you have been blessed with a lot more than others may be. You are blessed with charisma, fertility and masculinity. YOU can change the world, you have what it takes, you ARE what it takes.

Lisa Rogers said "A man's worth is measured by how he parents his children. What he gives them, what he keeps away from them, the lessons he teaches and the lessons he allows them to learn on their own." I heard that and believed it. It got me asking myself what kind of father will I make? Now I ask you, what kind of father are you going to make or are you?

We engage in pleasurable sex, we make love, we protect ourselves with condoms and with revolting sensual hormones we withdraw at times but most of the time we get lost in the moment. But with everything that we do, we carry the sperm - the life and the charged hormone of a spirit.

With every thrust of a powerful erection there is always a result and a possibility of a life. If you are reluctant to be a father then I DARE you to do it like a wise man would, with the precaution. Can we be more conscious with who we engage with sexually? With the caution? Can we be decent enough to acknowledge that with every opportunity there is a responsibility?

We are in the era of change, we are a greater part of the change. You are a man in the early 2000s and you have so much to give to posterity. I urge, I beg, I pray with and for you to CHOOSE to be the father someone will proudly walk onto the podium on their big event and quote their father. Be THAT father. Sadly the fundamental defect of men today is the resistance to be adults.

If you are a father, an uncle, a brother, a son or a male figure in anyone's life - be brave enough to stand for your duties and ignore all petty engagements that hinder your values.

"Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow." ~Reed Markham