Pay day Blues

I know a couple of people who have been silently waiting for this Friday, not necessarily with excitement but to get back to life. Living on toast and jam for a week was hard neh?? There you go, you have your monies! I hope you regain your sanity and smile a little bit. It isn't our fault you can't budget. I had prawns last night ;)...at an event. LOL

The sad part is - you were not told the truth. I'm not being silly but, your HR and Finance Manager just decided to keep quiet about a few things that would make you run. The truth is they just give us enough to look healthy, decent and go to the slave house. It is up to us to be resourceful and wise.

I have quick tips for you about pay day being on the Friday just because the 25th is a Saturday. Note, it means an extra day to the next pay day. I would really appreciate if advertisers and financial gurus don't read this because they are the evil spirits behind this strategy.

May is somewhat almost like January, with all the holidays in March and April blah, blah, blah, we have spent pretty much more than we would on a "normal" month. Went on holiday and had to live up to the promises we made to families and etc.

My quick tips (based on experience and obviously the people around me):

- If you wake up to more than 3SMSs from debit orders and none of them is your rent, car or savings then you are living beyond your means. Get help before you start claiming you have been a fraud victim or bewitched.

- It is ok to have dinner plans for tonight, but it is not ok to pay more than you normally do. It is pay day and almost everyone around that table will be paid too. Don't be fooled by the neon lights, stick to your Savanna/Beer please. You will have Vodka/Whisky at a work function or at a house party because you can get it from Makro at 70% lesser than what it is there.

- My mother always says, when its pay day you shouldn't take your lunch box, that's your day to have just 1 meal you have been craving between the 20th and today. Don't over do it, one is enough.

- If you happen to be the person leaving the office for the shops and someone asks you to bring them juice, ask for that R12.99 back. Don't be embarrassed, you are entitled to it. Everyone in there got paid, right? It will make a difference on the dish washing liquid when you buy your groceries tomorrow.

- Don't fall for the petty "I get paid on the 31st let's have drinks on you this weekend, I will cover next week." I would be a millionaire if I never fell for that sh!t. In most cases the 31st falls on a weekday and you will go as far as Phuza-Thursday, this means you will have about 5 rounds lesser than what you paid, this saves them -+R600. Even if it will be a weekend, there aren't many gigs as the weekend of the 25th; people prefer braais than going out because they would have paid bills and stuff.

- DO NOT go shopping: After 4years' experience in retail I am really clued up. This is the weekend for shops to make targets, the nonsense that's marked "Clearance SALE" there are probably 5 more items at the back or other branch. Wait for them to chop the price again in two weeks.

- Plastic, plastic, plastic: I know we all love to touch and feel our money and all, but its not worth it (especially us bo darkie!!) Just swipe and draw money at tills if you need to. It seems a bit rural but it is all worth it!! That R7.50 ATM charge could cover a loaf of bread from the Spar bakery on the 16th (that micro-bus looking loaf that you have to cut for yourself, but you can't really do it when it is hot). I've seen someone hide. LOL! Kunzima.

- NO to YOLO: That R4300 HOT pair of shoes can wait until it is R2800 in 6 weeks. Or Aldo, San Marina or Europa would have cloned it and give it to you at R1490 or less. If you really want it scrutinize it until you see something wrong on it, you can negotiate a cool R800 discount if you are good. It is your right as a customer.

- This is NOT the time to buy winter jackets and boots, if you haven't bought them in March, wait for August and you will wear them next year. It IS OK not to have the latest trend. As long as you still rock what you have and it is decent.

- Your electricity bills will be going up. Choose wisely, either buy an electric blanket or a heater. You don't need all of them. Shower in the evening and wrap up under a blanket with a cup of soup or coffee (Jacobs please) and just stop moaning. It is winter, unless you were born in hell or something. Oh! And ya, have sex...safe sex.

- Invest in the winter fruits. They aren't the best fruits in the history of Adam and Even and their outdoor sex scandal. But they are good for you and will save you the savings on your medical aid. Play smart now.

- Ladies: Allow them to take you out on dates, this is the busy weekend in your town and you won't miss it so enjoy it on someone's card. But don't go to his place, you are gonna be screwed after a young Ricoffy gesture in a mug he got from his flat mate at varsity. Did I mention Lover's + condom from a promo girl at the mall earlier when you went to the loo? Eish women and the loo though!

- Guys: Most of the restaurants have specials and there is always a food promo/ special somewhere. Don't have the main course and dessert at the same place. Opt for the let's take a walk bullsh!t after dinner and get her frozen yoghurt at R17.50 from the container in the middle of the mall (she can have it as you walk walk to the car, lesser time to bear listening to what she thinks love is and a good man#AintNobodyGotTimeForThat. It saves you the odd R41.20 piece of cake at a restaurant. Take her there and pull the "I'm a simple down to Earth guy" card. They love it and trust me, you will get laid.

- I have developed a mean way of saving. It has brought me down from around R1800 on groceries to between 600 and 800. As I do my groceries shopping, I ask myself "Can I live without it??" Yes, I have become extremely stingy and boring. This means there won't be dinners at my place anymore, hence there wasn't even a party this year for my 21st. #shock&horror

- If you have a young dinner party. Buy your meat (e.g. chicken and lamb) for everyone and prepare it, get your wine (enough for you and your girl ONLY) then ask the rest of the fools to each bring a salad and a bottle of wine or whatever that makes them smile. It is fair because you are giving them a venue to hangout pretend they are happy at each other’s' emotional expenses.

- Girls who have been seeing a guy for a while: The dinner bill is yours this weekend. Men want little things like that even if he can afford it. He will buy you a trench coat tomorrow after breakfast ;) But you know there will be a young Durban July in bed tonight for that #EarnIt

- And last but not least: If you are going out in your car this weekend with friends, the drinks bill excludes you. A cab is R80 so the b!tches better be logical thinkers. The guy that pays for entrance will NOT buy a round until everyone has bought the second round.

Now kids!! Have a wonderful pay day weekend and be safe with your money. Respect, value and appreciate money. It will do the same for you.

Wish I was also paid...anyone wanna date me?

Our sons, daughters and blessings

The little pleasures of life seem to be taken for granted by many people, most of us and the best of us. Our blessings on the other hand are perceived as the material achievements we are served by the Universe and the Great God. Fast cars, posh apartments, designer clothes, electric credit profiles, lavish lifestyles and sound academic profiles as well as other heart-racing successes that define us as the elite, learned and achievers.

I had an experience today that drew me closer to the harsh reality of longing to have what seems to be a norm for others, but only a fantasy for the rest. A young boy who would like to have a father but seems to be hurt by hope. Repercussions of a man's decision to be unavailable.

In this cruel world, some of the things we are blessed with as human beings are: decisions, personalities, emotions and spirituality. This draws me to a conversation I had with a friend about a year ago, she had just got herself a new job and a totally amazing life partner with who they advanced their union in holy matrimony. She couldn't conceive and it frustrated her, it killed him too, but not his love for his wife. They invested in all possible religious and clinical measures in pursuit of conception, but it just wasn't in their script.

Just about an hour ago I met the most amazing 8year old. He is blessed with life, great brains and a personality to die for. But he does not have a loving father, all he has is his pretty mother with a booming career and super-woman's will power to be both mom and dad to her son. She is winning, but there is a world around the young man and the harsh society that imposes norms on his developing repertoire.

As I have said before, individuality is the greatest strength anyone can have, but belonging strengthens us and nurtures us best. No matter how hard we try to protect and instil some things in our kids - no man is an Island. They observe, duplicate and are most sensitive when they are learning. Learning is more fun when you are not stuck in oblivion. They know, grow fast and notice more than we can imagine. They are AWARE.

MY BROTHERS: I know there will be more women reading this than guys. That says a lot about your sensitivity to detail. Do we still argue that men are more particular?

I respect, pride and celebrate myself for being a man in the current world of a million transformations. Some of you have been blessed with a lot more than others may be. You are blessed with charisma, fertility and masculinity. YOU can change the world, you have what it takes, you ARE what it takes.

Lisa Rogers said "A man's worth is measured by how he parents his children. What he gives them, what he keeps away from them, the lessons he teaches and the lessons he allows them to learn on their own." I heard that and believed it. It got me asking myself what kind of father will I make? Now I ask you, what kind of father are you going to make or are you?

We engage in pleasurable sex, we make love, we protect ourselves with condoms and with revolting sensual hormones we withdraw at times but most of the time we get lost in the moment. But with everything that we do, we carry the sperm - the life and the charged hormone of a spirit.

With every thrust of a powerful erection there is always a result and a possibility of a life. If you are reluctant to be a father then I DARE you to do it like a wise man would, with the precaution. Can we be more conscious with who we engage with sexually? With the caution? Can we be decent enough to acknowledge that with every opportunity there is a responsibility?

We are in the era of change, we are a greater part of the change. You are a man in the early 2000s and you have so much to give to posterity. I urge, I beg, I pray with and for you to CHOOSE to be the father someone will proudly walk onto the podium on their big event and quote their father. Be THAT father. Sadly the fundamental defect of men today is the resistance to be adults.

If you are a father, an uncle, a brother, a son or a male figure in anyone's life - be brave enough to stand for your duties and ignore all petty engagements that hinder your values.

"Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow." ~Reed Markham

Hope

Hope is a conniving little bitch that waits patiently around the corner of every bit of despondency and misfortune. It fools us into believing in something great, something so powerful that we lose all sense of reason. Long before man was created hope found an ally in denial, teaming up to become one of the strongest forces dodging the radars of goodness. It's all around us, cleverly disguised in weight loss pills, quick-tan cans, and fast food dating sites. Like a diabetic drawn to a piece of black forest cake, so are the love sick drawn to hope, believing every word uttered and every bit of propaganda published.
A good thing in hindsight, as I discovered a new definition of that seemingly slutty word. Hope is like money; if used wisely it can change your life for the better. It all depends on how you spend it. Rather than hoping that the fucked up loser who sucked you off in the steam room would openly date yot and declare their undying love for you, hope for the chance of falling in love with someone who is real and available. Stop wasting energy hoping that your bf/gf/ptnr will quit cheating on you, hope for the strength to kick them to the curb and move on to someone more deserving of your love.
And never hope that you will meet the PERFECT one- rather hope that you'll find someone truly worthy of your greatness.

What married guys WANT vs what single girls THINK

There is a high chance that I will be booed off stage because of this post. I have fought a lot with my female friends regarding this topic and somehow I always shut them up.

With a little background about how a man functions, I would like to mention beforehand that I will be extremely generalizing in this post. Don't go home and start stabbing your husband with accusations that "Libe said you do this because you have a girl."

A man's psychological system functions like a woman's, but processes faster albeit more conscious decisions before reacting. However, a man's sexual system could be the reverse of the mental case, and a woman vice versa.

I have about 1000 (if not more) female 'friends', this including exes, one-night stands and former classmates, colleagues, cousins and all the junk we meet in clubs and tell them they are pretty and suddenly call you "Babe" because you gave them a lighter *Yawn!* Through all these I have drawn certain traits that define a typical woman.

She:
- Wants roses to be delivered at work.
- is never happy about her weight, especially the size of her stomach. *Like anyone asked her to eat like a pig*
- wants to have a man with a job, car, 'enough money' (like there is such sh!t), good communicator (which women can't define), loves kids, doesn't mess the house, loves shopping, notices new things like hair and stuff: arguably I feel like I just described a gay guy aka #BFF
- wants to be screwed when she wants ONLY.
- has wine and starts telling her girls about all her man does in bed and acts shocked when she finds her best friend in bed with her man. She did the PR for him didn't she??

I think you get the jest. Let me not bore you with the complex issues about women, I'm starting to get bored too. Most women think men are dogs, emotionless, just need to be served and all that business, so much that they convince each other that men are just ruthless beings.

Now, to get back to the main topic about married men and the girls. The one thing women need to make peace with is the FACT that men will NEVER stop fantasizing about other women, it is only natural. Your main concern (if necessary) should be if he does go out and taste some of those berries.

When we design time-tables, programs, movies, songs and all other attention demanding devices: we either give breaks or keep them as brief as possible. Naturally, human beings get bored and easily irritable. Unfortunately men get bored faster than women as they don't get emotionally drawn into things as quick as women do. Walk into every store and tell me how big women's sections are in relation to men's. If men had their way, their wives would have an on and off button but the amazing reality of tolerance comes into play and he channels himself into the commitment he has made and the sound security and stability he has.

Married guys are often stuck with the same crew for what seems to be a lifetime because they have been friends with the same people from Varsity and their hometowns and all of a sudden have to befriend some awkward new people just because their wives are friends. It is totally annoying: the pressure, the expectations to be kind and spend your time with some random dude who thinks scrabble is a way of cooking eggs. Yawn!

This guy naturally dives into what I call the "Breakaway". This is the most sensitive time in any man's married life.

The Breakaway:

This is when a married man cries for help and is in search of his funny bone and wants to reboot his system. The sad part is most African men don't travel or have adventurous social lifestyles. There is too much of a routine and they get overwhelmed. At this point a man is critically sensitive and can be attracted to any solitude that could serve as a fulfillment and enough distraction. This could be in sports, alcohol, cars, gadgets or the one women don't want to hear...naughty sex, meaningless sex. This could be with another man or a woman. Subconsciously he is trying to allow his wife time with herself but at the same time spending too much time investing in newer commitments outside his house or merely shutting out the wife. Sadly, this becomes comfortable and 'nag-free'.

This is where the girls come into the picture...

Some women are like vultures, they want, want and want but are not willing to give anything. The best they can do is to stay beautiful on a married man's arm and ready for a joy ride. Ok, before someone chops my head off, let me classify single girls for you:

Ausi: Decent girls with a strong sense of self and a weaker sense of belonging and with no faith in men. These are 29+

Cherrie: She can be your girlfriend for 10 years until she falls pregnant then starts asking for the ring. These often chase after HOTT guys who are often bi-sexual. They are anything from 27-40 and totally HOTT and vibey themselves. They are often fag hags and over the top divas who challenge men.

Girls: They move in cliques. These are the young birds in bright and funky Mazda 2s, Ford Fiestas, Hyundai i20s, Polo Vivos etc. They live in suburbs in 2 bedroom apartments and call them townhouses regardless of whether it is a cluster, duplex or cottage and share with friends. Wives should be ware of these. I will be referring to them mainly. They are MOSTLY between 24 and 27 and are super sexual. I think they inspired the line "nails done, hair done, everything did" on Drake's Fancy. They are high maintenance for their peers but perfect for a bored 41 year old guy.

Married women: The vibey kinda chicks who haven't lost their groove and still go through their men's phones to fish for anything to start a fight. They are all less than 35.

Wives: The retards who think marriage is a destination and take financial issues to bed. But they are dangerous because they can whore more than men if they are pushed. They are often 38+ and have an appetite for young men. These are the founders of the "Ben 10" name for younger guys.

Ok, I think some women just had a young sigh and put their knives down. LOL. A married man has been groomed into a care-giver and he enjoys taking care and providing, because at this age he has also acquired the skills and art of being a good man to a woman.

Every man wants to go out with his girl, they want to sit in a restaurant and tell you how amazing their career has become since they made COO. They want women to laugh at their jokes and look at them like they are about to give a standing ovation. Every man wants to be looked at like he's Idris or Mr Jolie Pitt no matter how big his belly is. Most importantly, every man wants a lap dance and a bit of a nibble on his balls during sex, not just the "hoover-style" blow job that has become a routine. Men want things to be fun and trust me he will buy all the diamonds if he can afford them.

The girls are financially sick at this point in their lives. They have car dealers chopping R3000 from their R9500(net) salaries, then R2500 for rent, then the hair, clothes, food, petrol, credit card, medical aid etc. They don't go out looking for a married man but the married guys are ALWAYS hunting and they fall prey...

Think of it this way, EVERY guy wants to own a little flat somewhere, where the wife doesn't know but just him and his girl. Now here's a girl with her own place and is as hott as hell, has blonde moments 24 times a day and thinks this guy is Superman. Do I have to continue with this part? This is the Yin Yang image moment, perfect fit. They complement each other. One is looking for a provider and the other wants to rejuvenate. (((((BANG)))))

This is always fun until the girl starts feeling like the guy is her bread winner, that's now a problem. There are some things girls fail to understand about married men.

They:
- will NEVER leave their wives for you. Even if they divorce, it will not be about you and you will always stay the entertainer.
- are fun to be with until you turn 30 and you aren't as exciting anymore.
- they will genuinely love you but will NEVER leave your flat (Oops! Townhouse, sorry girls, I know how wide you opened for the title! Oops! I mean how hard you worked, let's keep it clean) without making sure you had the 'morning-after' pill.
- will always pay for your bills because you have substituted the holiday budget. R6000 (your rent and car) on happiness is nothing from a guy who rolls R70k pm. Step it up a bit, make that fool spend R30k and see if he'll stay. Who's smart now??
- have a non-sexual wife at home, you actually make peace in their home because he never really asks for sex from the wife anymore unless you went home in Mpumalanga for the holidays, a friend's wedding or a funeral or you went to the Metro FM awards where he couldn't go with you because he's 'working'. Truth is, he can't be seen with you at any show that could potentially be on TV.
- will never coach you to grow (your career) because you will stand as a threat and end his fairy-tale.

The sad part is always getting out of it. No one owes anyone anything, he can go back to his wife and you can stay with your friend in the flat on tea & bread 24/7 and be the achiever that you aspired to become in first year before the city lights became too bright. I'm not saying anyone is wrong in this setting, the guy just happened to be the smartest person in the game.

But girls, I'd say you should show the middle finger more often. I always say, you'd rather have a low credit profile than no dignity. If you are smart enough, use him all you want but don't get attached. Just know that, all the little sweet things from a guy who never invites you to his house ARE LIES!!

And to the brothers, it’s the game not the player *Hi5* stay pimping ;)