Open Letter to my Married Friends and Friends in Long term relationships

This soooo long overdue but I think I should spit it out...

I applaud you guys daily and think the paths you have chosen are amazing. Your lives are remarkable and I won't lie I envy you at times. The companionship, belonging, togetherness, soul mate, support, 'ride or die' co-pilots of your lives. It is just amazing and inspiring.

However, I have a few values I live by - both cultural and social, over and above that, I am a christian and wouldn't want to subject myself to being the 'single friend with a hiding place'. This little piece is not necessarily to end friendships but to try to highlight a couple of things that you may take for granted.

Before I even start, let me demystify this letter with my point of reference. I care more about my job than anyone else because it my safe house and the one thing that is COMPLETELY up to me to keep a clean relationship with. I carry an over night bag in my boot just in case I have to sleep over anywhere - something you can't do. The most important things to me right now are - my medical aid, life+car+household insurance, my home, tracker, funeral policy and savings. With all these I feel safe and protected, hence it boils down to my job security.

Here we go... Please note this is not a social 'embargo', just how I feel:

1. I strongly believe married people should be friends with other married people, merely because you guys have similar values, problems, plans, dreams etc. This isn't because I think single people are destructive but we are just a bit more available and able to do things without having to report to anyone - too fluid to be exact. I have sadly seen how this messes up my routine and puts a strain in your relationships. The compromise is draining. I'm not trying to be sagacious, but just asking you to stick with your own.

2. As I mentioned values and all earlier, I really feel insulted by friends who randomly show up at my place with concubines and expect me to be all smiles and watch the adulterous escapades in my sanctuary. It would probably be cool if we were 19, 20 or maybe 23. In this world of AIDS and a life expectancy of 46, it is not impressive and makes me question a lot about you.

3. There is an unwritten law of defence and loyalty between friends. I can't keep lying to your partner claiming you were at my place when you weren't. I do it anyway because I don't want you guys to fight. And you are my friend. This boils down to you respecting my home. If you think your single friend's place is a 'cool spot' not a home, it is a totally treacherous. Just to set it straight, this is my HOME - a place where I plan my life and negotiate my future with God and my mother sleeps in the same house when she's around. It is not just a spot, it is a reputable home. Don't be deceived by the amount of alcohol I keep, it isn't a bar. Don't be fooled by my mismatched couches and looming loneliness and trash bin full of take away containers and pizza boxes, it is a stylish bachelor's home and we barely have home cooked meals.

4. You have committed to being someone's everything and eternity, please live up to that. If it means cutting out friends like me for the better, I will completely understand because I have committed to a career and I'm not ready to be anyone's Alpha and Omega. I would advice you to have the attitude of bread and wine after transubstantiation.

5. You can't be the cool newly wedds forever, at some point of your life, you will be a TYPICAL husband or wife. This doesn't make you boring but wiser and more stable - a trait which I will always look up to you because you have and I haven't felt the need to work on as yet.

With all that said, I just want to ask for a little respect on behalf of all your single friends. These trapdoor relationships aren't healthy for us. Your idea of fun with single friends shouldn't be a travesty of reality.

If anything, I believe it would be great to be a family friend not the wife or husband's friend only. If I'm a friend worth keeping, I'm honoured but please don't employ my name in darkness.

Now, my committed friends, if you think Swiss has 20million attractive friends, I'll convey the compliments not pimp. I just happened to make a career out of my hobbies, one of them being a serial networker... Don't make me regret it.

Fear of the unknown

The easiest way for most people is leading their lives through norms. A lot of things are said to be ok because they have been done and worked fine. We have cultures, sub-cultures and various groups practicing similar activities which we believe they are the orders of life and 'how' life has to be. It is a scary tall order, almost impossible to change because of the 'best practice' tag on it.

I try to look at life from a million possible angles, through different emotions and without any draw-backs. If anything I find us trying to re-invent everything that has been exhausted by merely polishing the little there is around us. What happened to innovation and freedom of expression? Scary aren't they?

I recently had a lengthy conversation about diversity, reality and feminism, sexuality with one of my older friends. Let me paint this picture for you. He is 41, a believer in God but doesn't go to church, with a wife, three beautiful kids, a middle class citizen who hopes one day he will be a millionaire. I know everything is possible, but I believe you have to brush against your dreams by exploring every possible option. He has this assumption that people tend to do all the wrong things in this world because they are desperate and have to survive. He later contradicted himself with a bold statement that accused the system of failing the people and encouraging them to relax is falsified comfort zones. Do you see the things I go through? I put myself through the torture of listening to conversations I disapprove of, about 95% of my life. Maybe I get a kick out of freaking people out with my thoughts and realities.

The point I'm trying to address here is the limitless possibilities we always preach about and the lengths we are willing to go to transform these into our resources. Ironically I saw a HUGE billboard the other day promoting Jeep, their tag line is a fierce "Live without limits". The first reaction I had was to roll my eyes.

There are many people I have met through this trip of trying to throw my brand in everyone's faces. Some of them are extremely liberal although I think they present chameleon personalities most of the time. Many people, especially the 'evolved' South African citizens have multiple personalities to suit different societies and structures that feed them at a particular point. Are we lingering spirits?

The fear of the unknown has become red-tape around our lifestyles, truism and self-identity. How sad is that? I stared at the TV for an hour that felt like a week when Noeleen and her guests discussed feminism. We are still a few generations from being a civil nation. Our sheepish attitudes towards each other will always affect our growth, resilience and any prospective social development. This is merely because we have crazy expectations set for each other, of which no one really lives up to them. I can tell you today individuals are written off as outcasts or weirdos.

For over two decades I have been working on investing in my emotions, intellect, personality and my shadows to be able to define the 'me' that I present today. There are so many different things and this is the life I know. It makes it easy for me. I believe growth is better cultivated when you are comfortable in your skin and become confident to compliment yourself. Being adept at multi-tasking becomes a bonus as long as you are the last person you lie to.

Flowers for Maphano, my Hero!

I think I'm over explaining that I'm a big personality and love my hussle with all my heart and my greatest fear is being poor or anything that leads to unhappiness blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, before I even start I would like to apologise to everyone who has been nagging me about writing. I don't know what hit me but work has been CRAZY and I haven't touched base with anything to inspire me. I wouldn't just write because you asked. If you get bored and are that desperate to read, please grab the telephone directory.

It has been a hectic time but with India.Arie's new album I still maintain that life is meant to be fun. It sounds cheesy, but I know quiet a number of people but there are about five who I have stepped up to, to introduced myself, not because I thought they are cool but they exhume positive energy and that's my addiction. I'm confessing to be a 'liker of the finer things' and the kind of guy who puts his mind on anything and works hard to make it a reality.

I have never been one to be reticent about my thoughts, feelings and/or expectations, but I draw back a lot of times when I have to.

I love with my life and believe with my heart and I respect EVERYONE but I don't trust most of them, especially those that don't appreciate time and life. Being a firm believer in loyalty, equality and fraternity, you'd swear I'm a model wishing for 'world peace'. Anyway, this is not about me...this is about my hero, my friend, my crazy fool, 'earthing cable' and my role model.

I had heard about Maphano's tragic story but I just thought it was one of those stories you hear and turn away hoping the person will JBS. With a tiny hometown, a number of people would mention this amazing personality in awe and she sound intriguing, too cool and charging. I thought it wass about time I met this person and introduced myself (I'm sure she's laughing at this, because I actually did.)

We met a few years ago at a party and I just stepped up to the loud bubbly fire ball on the chair. She was with some of her girls and I just said "Hi, I'm Libe and just came to introduce myself" she gave me a hearty "Hi Libe!!" with no qualms but a beautiful smile. We had a mini-chat and then Facebook then BBM then, then, then, then, then... she's one of my close friends now and she makes me laugh my lungs out as much as she seems to get stronger everyday.

The sweetness of our friendship is nurtured by the not so frequent but intense conversations (DMC as you might want to call them): by the honestly and humor that connect us, the desire to create new things and evolve into better beings everyday. Our wildest trapeze artist-like fantasies and levity bind us and just grow telepathic bonds between us. I think she's amazing. I think she is powerful, kind and human.

I never knew the Maphano people knew before she was on the chair, but I heard she is the same person, not easily fazed by bouts of lethargy or depression. She is that great, her soul is made above her dreams. My approach and how I wooed her into the friendship made me think I would have to grab a number and hit the queue to earn my place as a good friend, but that's not how it happened. She embraced me like a good song.

We got along from get go, we have crazy conversations which I righteously put 'red-tape' around because I thought some topics were sensitive. From people like her, I have developed this powerful sang-froid in my character and don't fear anything. She ushered me into her personal life like she has a mousetrap for me and we 'burst' into laughter. I had no choice but to open up and just let her know everything a true friend should know. She is totally hilarious and one of the BEST people I have ever met. She IS tranquility, humility, beauty, craziness and more...

From a friend to a hero, I salute you, adore you and wish you a happier life. Nothing is as amazing as drawing inspiration from the people around you: peers, friends and superstars around. I dare you to remain sanguine and you will never have to seek any sanctuary because you have a home in your soul, which you share with millions of people like me. In recognition of the person that you are, I just wanted to take time and give you your flowers now, to brighten your life. I wouldn't want to be the friend kicking and screaming in the afterlife indebted with your flowers. You are the reason I know that anything is possible and my dark days shall pass.

You are amazing!! Salute.

This is the ONLY time #ForBachelorsOnly

I accidentally woke up two hours earlier than I should, such a #bummer. So I decided to invest a few minutes into my blog because I have been a stranger here since my June started crazy with lots of work and events.

I went to bed annoyed by a few things about being a bachelor. It gets to me at times, but it is ok because my major responsibilities are still my mother, nephew and myself, in that order. She's actually become less demanding these days, I think she has a boyfriend. On the other hand my nephew worries me with his tantrums and how he thinks we are the same age or maybe I'm younger. I don't think at 4 I was that dramatic and a bully. He is picking up on labels and now demands to wear Polo or Guess stuff to school and fights his mother. He hates tomato sauce and a few other things that kids love. I might be to blame. LOL!

 

Anyway, as I sat in bed enjoying my new addiction, tea, after a night out. I tried to count my blessings but I didn't want to get myself in trouble with God because I would start complaining. I ended up drawing a list in my mind of all the things I can do now...

 After twenty-five before thirty there is so little you can do but you are allowed to be an extremist. Wow! Can't believe I just associated myself with the big three-zero. This is where I get my latest line before I make any crazy purchase or disappear into the wild nights of Gauteng. My new line, 'this is the only time...'

Let me try to break it down to you by giving you a few examples of what this means.

This is the only time....

 - You can afford to buy the craziest pair of shoes worth anything around R4000 because you don't have a family to provide for. What's ‘a few weeks’ on cereal and chicken mayo sandwich 24/7? *shrugs*

- This is the only time you can purchase a convertible two door and be the guy in the 'red sports car' who dresses and looks like he just stepped out of GQ pages and not have a nagging woman/man on your shoulder.

- You can be the main and only member on your medical aid. Use it as much as you can and enjoy it. I'm actually going to start visiting my Dr when I have hangovers.

- You can be arrested for driving over the speed limit, spend the night in a cell and make jokes about it at the bar.

- You can afford to live in an up market townhouse with the furniture YOU like and always have the TV on your favourite channel.

- You can stay in bed until 1pm without anyone complaining or waking up to your mother in law screaming "Dear Lord, does he ever get out of bed! I think he'll die and you won't even know." from the lounge. When did she get here??
 

- You can save something as hilarious as R800pm and not feel guilty.

- You can commit to two or more jobs and still have time to party and study. #StoryOfMyLife

- This is the only time you can ask your siblings for R1500 loans half-way through the month and not be embarrassed to even have dinner at their place for the whole week. Hope you don't do this to your moms guys. LOL #SideEyesSomeone

 

- You can afford to take work home and actually get it done. No brat will be screaming 'wook' in attempt to say 'look' and next thing the fool points at a curtain.

- As a PR guy this is the ONLY time people will be fascinated by the well-spoken black guy who always laughs and closes deals like a pro. My greatest fear is being 33 and at events on Wednesday nights trying to get the Director's number. I would rather be stuck marking scripts in my house as a lecturer or a lifestyle magazine editor trotting the globe on food/wine tasting sprees etc. I wouldn't want to shame myself competing with 25-30 year old #CorporateProstitutes. Surely my system won't allow late nights and early mornings, but the reverse.

- You can afford to kiss and tell. After 30 you'll pay someone to keep it a secret. After 35 you threaten to kill them. After 40 your blood pressure would shoot at their sight. After 50 wouldn't be sure if it's the same person you were with. LMAO

That's just to give you an idea of how I feel about being over 25 and approaching that number that I mentioned before. Life gets serious but it is ok to be a little disorganized but not too messy with your time, finances, health, lifestyle and faith.

My turmoil is always brought by the question I ask myself EVERYDAY before I go to bed, even in the least state of sobriety I ask myself "What was my highlight today?"

I still laugh at myself when I don't have any, but I pray for better days. It is ok not to have the most exciting days, as much as it is ok to over celebrate little achievements now and again. I think it builds morale for bigger ones.

To you my friend, I say: make the best out of the weekends, take that risk and finish off the sentence "This is the ONLY time I can...”

Good luck!!

My First TV Interview

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06EIhhuyJhw

Pay day Blues

I know a couple of people who have been silently waiting for this Friday, not necessarily with excitement but to get back to life. Living on toast and jam for a week was hard neh?? There you go, you have your monies! I hope you regain your sanity and smile a little bit. It isn't our fault you can't budget. I had prawns last night ;)...at an event. LOL

The sad part is - you were not told the truth. I'm not being silly but, your HR and Finance Manager just decided to keep quiet about a few things that would make you run. The truth is they just give us enough to look healthy, decent and go to the slave house. It is up to us to be resourceful and wise.

I have quick tips for you about pay day being on the Friday just because the 25th is a Saturday. Note, it means an extra day to the next pay day. I would really appreciate if advertisers and financial gurus don't read this because they are the evil spirits behind this strategy.

May is somewhat almost like January, with all the holidays in March and April blah, blah, blah, we have spent pretty much more than we would on a "normal" month. Went on holiday and had to live up to the promises we made to families and etc.

My quick tips (based on experience and obviously the people around me):

- If you wake up to more than 3SMSs from debit orders and none of them is your rent, car or savings then you are living beyond your means. Get help before you start claiming you have been a fraud victim or bewitched.

- It is ok to have dinner plans for tonight, but it is not ok to pay more than you normally do. It is pay day and almost everyone around that table will be paid too. Don't be fooled by the neon lights, stick to your Savanna/Beer please. You will have Vodka/Whisky at a work function or at a house party because you can get it from Makro at 70% lesser than what it is there.

- My mother always says, when its pay day you shouldn't take your lunch box, that's your day to have just 1 meal you have been craving between the 20th and today. Don't over do it, one is enough.

- If you happen to be the person leaving the office for the shops and someone asks you to bring them juice, ask for that R12.99 back. Don't be embarrassed, you are entitled to it. Everyone in there got paid, right? It will make a difference on the dish washing liquid when you buy your groceries tomorrow.

- Don't fall for the petty "I get paid on the 31st let's have drinks on you this weekend, I will cover next week." I would be a millionaire if I never fell for that sh!t. In most cases the 31st falls on a weekday and you will go as far as Phuza-Thursday, this means you will have about 5 rounds lesser than what you paid, this saves them -+R600. Even if it will be a weekend, there aren't many gigs as the weekend of the 25th; people prefer braais than going out because they would have paid bills and stuff.

- DO NOT go shopping: After 4years' experience in retail I am really clued up. This is the weekend for shops to make targets, the nonsense that's marked "Clearance SALE" there are probably 5 more items at the back or other branch. Wait for them to chop the price again in two weeks.

- Plastic, plastic, plastic: I know we all love to touch and feel our money and all, but its not worth it (especially us bo darkie!!) Just swipe and draw money at tills if you need to. It seems a bit rural but it is all worth it!! That R7.50 ATM charge could cover a loaf of bread from the Spar bakery on the 16th (that micro-bus looking loaf that you have to cut for yourself, but you can't really do it when it is hot). I've seen someone hide. LOL! Kunzima.

- NO to YOLO: That R4300 HOT pair of shoes can wait until it is R2800 in 6 weeks. Or Aldo, San Marina or Europa would have cloned it and give it to you at R1490 or less. If you really want it scrutinize it until you see something wrong on it, you can negotiate a cool R800 discount if you are good. It is your right as a customer.

- This is NOT the time to buy winter jackets and boots, if you haven't bought them in March, wait for August and you will wear them next year. It IS OK not to have the latest trend. As long as you still rock what you have and it is decent.

- Your electricity bills will be going up. Choose wisely, either buy an electric blanket or a heater. You don't need all of them. Shower in the evening and wrap up under a blanket with a cup of soup or coffee (Jacobs please) and just stop moaning. It is winter, unless you were born in hell or something. Oh! And ya, have sex...safe sex.

- Invest in the winter fruits. They aren't the best fruits in the history of Adam and Even and their outdoor sex scandal. But they are good for you and will save you the savings on your medical aid. Play smart now.

- Ladies: Allow them to take you out on dates, this is the busy weekend in your town and you won't miss it so enjoy it on someone's card. But don't go to his place, you are gonna be screwed after a young Ricoffy gesture in a mug he got from his flat mate at varsity. Did I mention Lover's + condom from a promo girl at the mall earlier when you went to the loo? Eish women and the loo though!

- Guys: Most of the restaurants have specials and there is always a food promo/ special somewhere. Don't have the main course and dessert at the same place. Opt for the let's take a walk bullsh!t after dinner and get her frozen yoghurt at R17.50 from the container in the middle of the mall (she can have it as you walk walk to the car, lesser time to bear listening to what she thinks love is and a good man#AintNobodyGotTimeForThat. It saves you the odd R41.20 piece of cake at a restaurant. Take her there and pull the "I'm a simple down to Earth guy" card. They love it and trust me, you will get laid.

- I have developed a mean way of saving. It has brought me down from around R1800 on groceries to between 600 and 800. As I do my groceries shopping, I ask myself "Can I live without it??" Yes, I have become extremely stingy and boring. This means there won't be dinners at my place anymore, hence there wasn't even a party this year for my 21st. #shock&horror

- If you have a young dinner party. Buy your meat (e.g. chicken and lamb) for everyone and prepare it, get your wine (enough for you and your girl ONLY) then ask the rest of the fools to each bring a salad and a bottle of wine or whatever that makes them smile. It is fair because you are giving them a venue to hangout pretend they are happy at each other’s' emotional expenses.

- Girls who have been seeing a guy for a while: The dinner bill is yours this weekend. Men want little things like that even if he can afford it. He will buy you a trench coat tomorrow after breakfast ;) But you know there will be a young Durban July in bed tonight for that #EarnIt

- And last but not least: If you are going out in your car this weekend with friends, the drinks bill excludes you. A cab is R80 so the b!tches better be logical thinkers. The guy that pays for entrance will NOT buy a round until everyone has bought the second round.

Now kids!! Have a wonderful pay day weekend and be safe with your money. Respect, value and appreciate money. It will do the same for you.

Wish I was also paid...anyone wanna date me?

Our sons, daughters and blessings

The little pleasures of life seem to be taken for granted by many people, most of us and the best of us. Our blessings on the other hand are perceived as the material achievements we are served by the Universe and the Great God. Fast cars, posh apartments, designer clothes, electric credit profiles, lavish lifestyles and sound academic profiles as well as other heart-racing successes that define us as the elite, learned and achievers.

I had an experience today that drew me closer to the harsh reality of longing to have what seems to be a norm for others, but only a fantasy for the rest. A young boy who would like to have a father but seems to be hurt by hope. Repercussions of a man's decision to be unavailable.

In this cruel world, some of the things we are blessed with as human beings are: decisions, personalities, emotions and spirituality. This draws me to a conversation I had with a friend about a year ago, she had just got herself a new job and a totally amazing life partner with who they advanced their union in holy matrimony. She couldn't conceive and it frustrated her, it killed him too, but not his love for his wife. They invested in all possible religious and clinical measures in pursuit of conception, but it just wasn't in their script.

Just about an hour ago I met the most amazing 8year old. He is blessed with life, great brains and a personality to die for. But he does not have a loving father, all he has is his pretty mother with a booming career and super-woman's will power to be both mom and dad to her son. She is winning, but there is a world around the young man and the harsh society that imposes norms on his developing repertoire.

As I have said before, individuality is the greatest strength anyone can have, but belonging strengthens us and nurtures us best. No matter how hard we try to protect and instil some things in our kids - no man is an Island. They observe, duplicate and are most sensitive when they are learning. Learning is more fun when you are not stuck in oblivion. They know, grow fast and notice more than we can imagine. They are AWARE.

MY BROTHERS: I know there will be more women reading this than guys. That says a lot about your sensitivity to detail. Do we still argue that men are more particular?

I respect, pride and celebrate myself for being a man in the current world of a million transformations. Some of you have been blessed with a lot more than others may be. You are blessed with charisma, fertility and masculinity. YOU can change the world, you have what it takes, you ARE what it takes.

Lisa Rogers said "A man's worth is measured by how he parents his children. What he gives them, what he keeps away from them, the lessons he teaches and the lessons he allows them to learn on their own." I heard that and believed it. It got me asking myself what kind of father will I make? Now I ask you, what kind of father are you going to make or are you?

We engage in pleasurable sex, we make love, we protect ourselves with condoms and with revolting sensual hormones we withdraw at times but most of the time we get lost in the moment. But with everything that we do, we carry the sperm - the life and the charged hormone of a spirit.

With every thrust of a powerful erection there is always a result and a possibility of a life. If you are reluctant to be a father then I DARE you to do it like a wise man would, with the precaution. Can we be more conscious with who we engage with sexually? With the caution? Can we be decent enough to acknowledge that with every opportunity there is a responsibility?

We are in the era of change, we are a greater part of the change. You are a man in the early 2000s and you have so much to give to posterity. I urge, I beg, I pray with and for you to CHOOSE to be the father someone will proudly walk onto the podium on their big event and quote their father. Be THAT father. Sadly the fundamental defect of men today is the resistance to be adults.

If you are a father, an uncle, a brother, a son or a male figure in anyone's life - be brave enough to stand for your duties and ignore all petty engagements that hinder your values.

"Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow." ~Reed Markham

Hope

Hope is a conniving little bitch that waits patiently around the corner of every bit of despondency and misfortune. It fools us into believing in something great, something so powerful that we lose all sense of reason. Long before man was created hope found an ally in denial, teaming up to become one of the strongest forces dodging the radars of goodness. It's all around us, cleverly disguised in weight loss pills, quick-tan cans, and fast food dating sites. Like a diabetic drawn to a piece of black forest cake, so are the love sick drawn to hope, believing every word uttered and every bit of propaganda published.
A good thing in hindsight, as I discovered a new definition of that seemingly slutty word. Hope is like money; if used wisely it can change your life for the better. It all depends on how you spend it. Rather than hoping that the fucked up loser who sucked you off in the steam room would openly date yot and declare their undying love for you, hope for the chance of falling in love with someone who is real and available. Stop wasting energy hoping that your bf/gf/ptnr will quit cheating on you, hope for the strength to kick them to the curb and move on to someone more deserving of your love.
And never hope that you will meet the PERFECT one- rather hope that you'll find someone truly worthy of your greatness.

What married guys WANT vs what single girls THINK

There is a high chance that I will be booed off stage because of this post. I have fought a lot with my female friends regarding this topic and somehow I always shut them up.

With a little background about how a man functions, I would like to mention beforehand that I will be extremely generalizing in this post. Don't go home and start stabbing your husband with accusations that "Libe said you do this because you have a girl."

A man's psychological system functions like a woman's, but processes faster albeit more conscious decisions before reacting. However, a man's sexual system could be the reverse of the mental case, and a woman vice versa.

I have about 1000 (if not more) female 'friends', this including exes, one-night stands and former classmates, colleagues, cousins and all the junk we meet in clubs and tell them they are pretty and suddenly call you "Babe" because you gave them a lighter *Yawn!* Through all these I have drawn certain traits that define a typical woman.

She:
- Wants roses to be delivered at work.
- is never happy about her weight, especially the size of her stomach. *Like anyone asked her to eat like a pig*
- wants to have a man with a job, car, 'enough money' (like there is such sh!t), good communicator (which women can't define), loves kids, doesn't mess the house, loves shopping, notices new things like hair and stuff: arguably I feel like I just described a gay guy aka #BFF
- wants to be screwed when she wants ONLY.
- has wine and starts telling her girls about all her man does in bed and acts shocked when she finds her best friend in bed with her man. She did the PR for him didn't she??

I think you get the jest. Let me not bore you with the complex issues about women, I'm starting to get bored too. Most women think men are dogs, emotionless, just need to be served and all that business, so much that they convince each other that men are just ruthless beings.

Now, to get back to the main topic about married men and the girls. The one thing women need to make peace with is the FACT that men will NEVER stop fantasizing about other women, it is only natural. Your main concern (if necessary) should be if he does go out and taste some of those berries.

When we design time-tables, programs, movies, songs and all other attention demanding devices: we either give breaks or keep them as brief as possible. Naturally, human beings get bored and easily irritable. Unfortunately men get bored faster than women as they don't get emotionally drawn into things as quick as women do. Walk into every store and tell me how big women's sections are in relation to men's. If men had their way, their wives would have an on and off button but the amazing reality of tolerance comes into play and he channels himself into the commitment he has made and the sound security and stability he has.

Married guys are often stuck with the same crew for what seems to be a lifetime because they have been friends with the same people from Varsity and their hometowns and all of a sudden have to befriend some awkward new people just because their wives are friends. It is totally annoying: the pressure, the expectations to be kind and spend your time with some random dude who thinks scrabble is a way of cooking eggs. Yawn!

This guy naturally dives into what I call the "Breakaway". This is the most sensitive time in any man's married life.

The Breakaway:

This is when a married man cries for help and is in search of his funny bone and wants to reboot his system. The sad part is most African men don't travel or have adventurous social lifestyles. There is too much of a routine and they get overwhelmed. At this point a man is critically sensitive and can be attracted to any solitude that could serve as a fulfillment and enough distraction. This could be in sports, alcohol, cars, gadgets or the one women don't want to hear...naughty sex, meaningless sex. This could be with another man or a woman. Subconsciously he is trying to allow his wife time with herself but at the same time spending too much time investing in newer commitments outside his house or merely shutting out the wife. Sadly, this becomes comfortable and 'nag-free'.

This is where the girls come into the picture...

Some women are like vultures, they want, want and want but are not willing to give anything. The best they can do is to stay beautiful on a married man's arm and ready for a joy ride. Ok, before someone chops my head off, let me classify single girls for you:

Ausi: Decent girls with a strong sense of self and a weaker sense of belonging and with no faith in men. These are 29+

Cherrie: She can be your girlfriend for 10 years until she falls pregnant then starts asking for the ring. These often chase after HOTT guys who are often bi-sexual. They are anything from 27-40 and totally HOTT and vibey themselves. They are often fag hags and over the top divas who challenge men.

Girls: They move in cliques. These are the young birds in bright and funky Mazda 2s, Ford Fiestas, Hyundai i20s, Polo Vivos etc. They live in suburbs in 2 bedroom apartments and call them townhouses regardless of whether it is a cluster, duplex or cottage and share with friends. Wives should be ware of these. I will be referring to them mainly. They are MOSTLY between 24 and 27 and are super sexual. I think they inspired the line "nails done, hair done, everything did" on Drake's Fancy. They are high maintenance for their peers but perfect for a bored 41 year old guy.

Married women: The vibey kinda chicks who haven't lost their groove and still go through their men's phones to fish for anything to start a fight. They are all less than 35.

Wives: The retards who think marriage is a destination and take financial issues to bed. But they are dangerous because they can whore more than men if they are pushed. They are often 38+ and have an appetite for young men. These are the founders of the "Ben 10" name for younger guys.

Ok, I think some women just had a young sigh and put their knives down. LOL. A married man has been groomed into a care-giver and he enjoys taking care and providing, because at this age he has also acquired the skills and art of being a good man to a woman.

Every man wants to go out with his girl, they want to sit in a restaurant and tell you how amazing their career has become since they made COO. They want women to laugh at their jokes and look at them like they are about to give a standing ovation. Every man wants to be looked at like he's Idris or Mr Jolie Pitt no matter how big his belly is. Most importantly, every man wants a lap dance and a bit of a nibble on his balls during sex, not just the "hoover-style" blow job that has become a routine. Men want things to be fun and trust me he will buy all the diamonds if he can afford them.

The girls are financially sick at this point in their lives. They have car dealers chopping R3000 from their R9500(net) salaries, then R2500 for rent, then the hair, clothes, food, petrol, credit card, medical aid etc. They don't go out looking for a married man but the married guys are ALWAYS hunting and they fall prey...

Think of it this way, EVERY guy wants to own a little flat somewhere, where the wife doesn't know but just him and his girl. Now here's a girl with her own place and is as hott as hell, has blonde moments 24 times a day and thinks this guy is Superman. Do I have to continue with this part? This is the Yin Yang image moment, perfect fit. They complement each other. One is looking for a provider and the other wants to rejuvenate. (((((BANG)))))

This is always fun until the girl starts feeling like the guy is her bread winner, that's now a problem. There are some things girls fail to understand about married men.

They:
- will NEVER leave their wives for you. Even if they divorce, it will not be about you and you will always stay the entertainer.
- are fun to be with until you turn 30 and you aren't as exciting anymore.
- they will genuinely love you but will NEVER leave your flat (Oops! Townhouse, sorry girls, I know how wide you opened for the title! Oops! I mean how hard you worked, let's keep it clean) without making sure you had the 'morning-after' pill.
- will always pay for your bills because you have substituted the holiday budget. R6000 (your rent and car) on happiness is nothing from a guy who rolls R70k pm. Step it up a bit, make that fool spend R30k and see if he'll stay. Who's smart now??
- have a non-sexual wife at home, you actually make peace in their home because he never really asks for sex from the wife anymore unless you went home in Mpumalanga for the holidays, a friend's wedding or a funeral or you went to the Metro FM awards where he couldn't go with you because he's 'working'. Truth is, he can't be seen with you at any show that could potentially be on TV.
- will never coach you to grow (your career) because you will stand as a threat and end his fairy-tale.

The sad part is always getting out of it. No one owes anyone anything, he can go back to his wife and you can stay with your friend in the flat on tea & bread 24/7 and be the achiever that you aspired to become in first year before the city lights became too bright. I'm not saying anyone is wrong in this setting, the guy just happened to be the smartest person in the game.

But girls, I'd say you should show the middle finger more often. I always say, you'd rather have a low credit profile than no dignity. If you are smart enough, use him all you want but don't get attached. Just know that, all the little sweet things from a guy who never invites you to his house ARE LIES!!

And to the brothers, it’s the game not the player *Hi5* stay pimping ;)

Preference vs Prejudice

Prejudice is an unjustified or incorrect attitude (usually negative) towards an individual based solely on the individual’s membership of a social group. The extent in which we draw discrimination as prejudice is sickening.

 After reading a blog about the risks of having multiple partners and a DMC (Deep Meaningful Conversation) with my ex yesterday, I learned a few things prejudice and the conflict of interest between this sole wing of resentment and what I want and choose for myself.

 Preference is liking one thing or one person better than others. This could simply translate into favouring one over the other, the right, power, or opportunity of prior choice or claim. There are a number of things which I prefer over a lot. I could probably list a million things and people if dared, but I will leave that for another topic.

 Where was I? Oh! Ok, about the blog I read. This told me about someone appreciating and enjoying dating two people at the same time and ironically he was said to be a serial dater. Funny. I read through this story with my jaw on the flaw: deception, lies, betrayal, risks, unfaithfulness. Holy word!!

 I took a step back and tried to compartmentalize this complex story but sauce it up a bit with the racial debate my ex and I had just had. Before I get into trouble with anyone, I would like to advise you to stop reading right now if you are sensitive and decide to be hostile to dating across racial lines and different classes.

The reason I opted to use the word prejudice is because it gets to a lot of people and has become a borderline excuse for everyone who would like to conflate racial and social issues: from gender, sexuality and social classes. Some people argue these issues even when they know they are not ethical to their conscience. Don't shoot me but I still see them as very conflicted, if not extremely.

 I just took another break and laughed at the fact that I'm not really telling the story I want to share, but I am accusing people for being prejudice at my own expense. Ok, I have once upon a time been in a multi-racial relationship but everything had to end because of the heavy cultural and religious differences. Contrary to what people would anticipate, it was not because of the stares or remarks people made or the pressure of living up to anything. I have a clear conscience about all my decisions and I was not conflicted about it.

 My relationships are often fun and naughty but dating across racial line, classier individuals, learned and simple but well groomed (PS: Class isn't wealth) always makes me feel desirable, masculine and yet vulnerable, empty of neediness and full of yearning. I believe these are all characteristics of what alpha males can argue are found in all races and social classes. As mentioned in one of my blogs, I am a cross-breed of a township boy with great panache, a naïve rural boy with a voracious interest in new ideas and big city hunter with a clean mental sword searching for meals. With all of that I can confidently say I am a decent person who deserves better, and maybe the best.

 My argument of preference versus prejudice has been brought about by every question being about prejudice in rainbow relationships. There are some things we aren't presenting well to our social relationships. I always argue that we can say anything and everything to a person but HOW you say it will always make an impact. I have been in a space where I was made to feel black, poor and totally not worth anything but sensual mystery revelations. I don't want to get into that chapter because I would have to lay our my karma-sutra moves. I will just say I know a good thing when I see it, and I know how good it is when I get it from a genuine sender.

 As African kids, (correct me if I'm wrong) we were encouraged to look out for each other, respect and learn more than we are advised to be individuals and look out for the oneself. With this I'm trying to give you an insight into the setting of the basic cultural norms which in each of us develop the being and the interactive personality. With me from the dusty rural patches of Maseru where we'd run behind a car just because there was a white person inside, the idea of difference in my case has a history of fascination and the stereotyped "better".

 My ex grew up in Argentina and New York and the most difficult part of our relationship was developing a common ground i.e "Launch Pad". One of us was just too full of nonsense and the other would never bring themselves to admit that they have to be the earthing cable. Was I building a house on prejudice or denial?

 Then I draw preference out of everything. I made a decision NOT to go back to the whole racial jungle as I PREFER the darker berries because of our common basics. Don't get me wrong, I still find white, indian and coloured people attractive, very seductive and arousing too. LOL.

 Prejudice aside, we had normal fights that I couldn't stand. I could not take the "who was that on your phone? Where are you?" And the fights that came there after when it would be just someone from work on the phone rehashing office stress as much as to reiterate the misery of one person stealing our joy.

 I was tired of worrying about my phone when I'm in the shower just not to aggravate the person who is supposed to have faith in me. It got to a point where I thought the inability to trust and respect could be intertwined with the inability to keep assistants at work. The weak and disgusted smiles that were given to my friends also got to them as prejudice.

Right now, I just want to stick to what works for me, it is preference NOT prejudice.

Operation Cape Town Jazz 2013

Who knew it would take such a short weekend to fill so many empty hours? I did, or would have normally. I just want to hit a mini intro about this weekend. I promise if this weekend was recorded we wouldn't run presidency even if we bribed God Himself.

The buzz of the Easter weekend was just not working for me, I was a...nticipating my long weekend in the Mother City. As a poor man who really loves traveling and firsts, I was looking forward to what seemed like a weekend with Jill Scott and thousands of other fans from other parts of Africa.

On Thursday night, the eve of the Jazz kick off, we all made way to Mpeo's house to spend the night as she lives closer to the airport and we had an early flight (don't be fooled by the idea of excitement, early flights are more economic) to CT. She served Vodka and amazing ambiance for love and laughter to fuel us up for our first trip in 2013. We drank, we sang and we passed out.

About five alarms went off and I got lost in what felt like a trance if not a coma. 4 o'clock. These semi-awake people ordered me to be the first person to shower...isn't that insane? I put my foot down and Didi had no choice but to lead by example. Eventually, we all showered and made way to Lanseria airport. I really hate it, but my only consolation was the memory that Lady Gaga had landed there when she had her show in Jozi. Not bad for a tiny airport which I still think was an old white man's landing patch in the 1960s.

I have weird friends who get really moody when they have a hangover, but I'm always able to handle them, regardless. Superman. It was really crowded that morning, the route between Jhb & Cape Town was surely the highlight for every airline, right across economy to business class. Densely packed with commuters than any other show (I assume, hello! It was the Jilly from Philly weekend). Still, I knew immediately when I got onto that plane that it would be more eventful than usual. More intimate than the norm. As if there was something almost tangible moving along the passengers.

Or perhaps it was more that there was something in our half-closed eyes, or in the shine and slow-sliding silent question on people's lips, than anything physical about the aircraft itself. There was an energy, a revealing and pulling and nostalgic wallow. But all of that wasn't important, what mattered was the mind-blowing FACT I knew I was ready for the weekend, we were ready to have fun on the other side of the country. The most cosmopolitan city in South Africa, with friends and Jill Scott.

I stopped myself from flirting with someone on board because I didn't want any of us to have false expectations followed by horrible disappointments. My intransigent attitude towards awkward moments of lust always cloud my judgment and throw me off about people. Don't get me wrong, I haven't lost faith. A short commute often mitigates the effectiveness of non-verbal communication, that too worked for me. LOL.

Almost two hours later we landed and I was in full colour and ready for a good time. Didi lived in the Cape for eight years before moving up to Jhb (mainly to be closer to me) so maneuvering through the airport right through to the hotel was a breeze. With a little tour guide showing and I spotted Ogilvy Cpt (this is where I will be a MD in 2017) and a few other places. It was like her home coming picnic and our very own "chaperon". We were a bit early for check-in and we were left to hang around the foyer of the hotel for about 10 minutes which also felt like another 3hrs because we were exhausted, remember we had been drinking the previous night.

After settling in and freshening up we headed out for lunch at Gourmet Boerie (If you love classy stuff you probably saw the place on Top Billing last week) and it really lived up to the expectations. Sonia, from BOSS Models joined us for lunch and she unconsciously crushed my dream of becoming an underwear model before 30. I'm not going to get into that, it is a sensitive topic *covers face*. She is really a bubbly and sharp petite woman with a commercial personality. I still think she would blend in well with the Jhb people in her industry, our field of hussle. She loves her job.

Later at the Cape Sun where Jill Scott had to arrive at 14:30 I was shocked to walk into the media pit and found my former colleagues. I found out that Meropa Communications (2nd largest PR firm in RSA, where I was a intern for a short period) had the #CptJazz2013 Media account. My former fellow intern handled the account and this meant...wait for it....FREE VVIP tickets to every stage at the Jazz. Errr!! Not. Long story short, it didn't happen. LOL

Unfortunately Jill Scott wasn't arriving at the mentioned time anymore. Mpeo was almost suicidal. I have this theory that life is really just one big game show, this means we had to move to a better place and make the best of Friday night in that town, a different town... My emo girls and I made way to Neighbourhood on Long Street. This is a mixed breed of Melville, Brooklyn Design Square, Centurion Stones and maybe a bit of Cubana but in 1920. We got the best seats and had complete view of the room...

*to be continued... I'm really tired, got to nap*

*unedited version

The Power of Negativity

I haven't written for over two weeks now. Well, my last piece was discredited by my brother. The content was a heavy tell all piece about my childhood life. He felt it was not appropriate for the family'...s brand irrespective of the truth in all of it. Oh well...that had to be canned.

Lately I have been meeting new and very powerful people from different industries: some of the people who I believe we all think they are perfect; these are potential coaches, mentors, trainers and to some degree I could actually name them idols. But what has been the greatest shock is how SOME people are bullies, power hungry and impossible to learn from or inspire. These can also be pessimists, cynics, critics, know-it-alls and other common jerk monsters who have a way of popping into our lives, debatable I agree. I at times think we let them.

After a tell-all telephonic conversation with my mentor I discovered a couple of things about him which drew me closer to my idea of strength and serenity. He believes in strength and repeatedly refers to his mistakes and what he draws out of them for a constructive evaluation. I believe this is the power of acknowledgement as opposed to denial in a world that isn’t perfect, where only positive energy can help you grow into greatness.

I took a little time to "research" about what negative energy does to you, besides over ruling your judgment and shadowing your resourcefulness. The preparation for success is to identify and protect yourself from all forms of negative energy. That's what you and I have be failing to do, identify the demon and crawl as far as possible.

Johnny N , a boxing and mental theorist says "Negative people are resisting, refusing, disagreeable, pessimistic, detrimental, destroying, and limiting."

These people don’t help you. They don’t make you stronger. Their number one goal is to SHUT YOU DOWN! And for no reason other than because they are negative. It has NOTHING to do with you; they just don’t enjoy life. Nothing is perfect, and their nature makes them react NEGATIVELY to everything.

Negative energy wears you out, takes the fun out of life, and kills all your dreams before they’re even given a chance. Negativity is that little voice that keeps saying, “You can’t, you suck, it’ll never happen.”

And WHY?! Why would anybody want that? How does this kind of thinking help ANYONE? How does negativity make anyone smarter, stronger, harder working, or luckier, or more likely to succeed? Why would we keep an idea lingering in our minds if it didn’t do anything for us? Negativity is useless and there’s no place for it in your life.

To further explain this I'd like to give you a scenario, this is a conversation which a friend of mine Mfezeko have actually debated on. The example is based on the social changes brought about by Universities merging in South Africa. Institutions such as Tshwane University of Technology placed the Communications, IT and Journalism departments in Soshanguve, a township in the North of Pretoria, where a cold day could be anything around 20 degrees, yes a cold day. Within these departments you can be confronted by an 18year old Sithembiso* aka Cee-Terms* , who studied at the larny Southdowns College and didn't have a good score to enroll at Tukkies for a degree and was faced with studying towards a N.Dip in his desired field. This is the well groomed gentleman, the man's man and a chick magnet. This guy did his research about the institution and fully understands the career path he is talking.

On the other hand you have a 22 year old Ramehlolo aka Mahlanyeng whose parents wouldn't take his nonsense and enrolled him for a year long certificate program because the campus is conveniently close to home and it would be easy to monitor him and keep him off the streets.

These are two completely different clients being hosted by one service provider. Please evaluate this situation and tell me what you make out of this, based on negativity.

There is surely a dreamer who is dedicated to completing his program and making a career out of his passion. On the other hand there is someone who has been forced to "keep busy" and maybe see the light.

The interaction between these two people will definitely have a conflict base. The positive energy projected by Sithembiso may be received as intimidation and being snobbish by the other. As messed up as the human mind is, the inferior person in this setting resorts to finding negatives in everything the other guy does and nails him down. The territory advantage also becomes a power tool used as "the snob can't do anything, this is my hood"... What do you think this energy could do to the guy with the passion?

I have an incident happening in my life and the negativity has got to a point where it throws me off. I'm tired of trying to impress (in this relationship) and earn faith and respect. Now I work towards shaming the enemy, but it is not fun. I can't even celebrate my own efforts because I bounce energy on revenge instead of the highly anticipated success.

I need to bring an end to this cycle. I refuse to be oppressed by someone who I obviously intimidate. I am young, intelligent and have a long road to success ahead of me.

If you have such a situation, either socially, academically, professionally or at home, I believe it is time you re-evaluate your attitude towards it because it is extremely damaging.

Think about it... Negative energy is the most awful form of energy but abnormally powerful because it taps on the unconscious part of your brain and stays longer. Let go of it...

Celebrating my friend: The Entrepreneur

"Our creatures are our thoughts," said the poet John Donn...e way back in the 1620s, and our thoughts "reach from east to west, from earth to heaven; that do not only bestride all the sea and land, but span the sun and firmament at once; my thoughts reach all, comprehend all."

The idea of entrepreneurship frightens me & throws me off because of all the risks involved; finances, emotional strains, mental growth as well as the most sought after - career development. There are many other factors that encourage a healthy businessman or a conscious brand. There are many things which we tend to commit to based on the economic and social structures we live in.

Often, when I engage in personal development arguments, I always emphasise on the individual point of references because I believe these play a major role in each and every person's goals as well as the patterns of the paths we take.

Just to paint a personal picture I will give you an idea of my ground of decision making. I was born to a family of five where I was my mother's last experience in labour. The head of our household was a traffic cop for about a decade & he eventually ventured into the buzzing transport business, without any decent educational background, he succeeded. Our home-maker was a clerk at the local High Court & a BA degree later became the Human Resources Officer of various government institutions. My siblings chose different paths and my late brother, the first of the kickball team shot into Electrical Engineering and broke all rules at his University by scooping all awards religiously and earning himself an amazing bursary; because of this I felt the pressure to push the bar higher for everyone, as the 5th team player and ventured into the health science field with the hope of becoming a plastic surgeon, that was a short-lived dream which never manifested itself into a lucrative deal.

With all that background given, I think you have the idea of a family I come from and that is what I call my original point of reference. There was no sense of ever wishing to start a business because with the network I was born in, it meant it was for people who didn't study nor had a career.

I made a complete U-turn and surrendered to the PR & Branding bug that had secretly been nudging me for as long as I can remember. A few years into the communications game I met someone with a stubborn personality and was hell bent on becoming an entrepreneur. It didn't make sense to me because I figured he didn't have to be at Varsity because I had seen someone succeed in business without even going through middle school.

We became very close friends (if not brothers) and no matter how hard I pushed him to invest in the corporate game, he didn't show interest, he just wanted to become a businessman, period. Here I was in a communications field with people who were totally relaxed and for most of the people I had met, winning was passing but not getting an A. Where I had been before, studying meant a maximum of three hours of sleep and at least three nights without any. We fought day and night over academics & making it to the finish line. The poor guy probably still regrets agreeing to move in with me in 2010 because I made his last year at varsity a nightmare. I pushed him from aiming to pass to being aroused by the idea of getting distinctions. I imposed.

Let me fast forward you to five years later, being now. The now that I am with a prestigious Design institution as a PR Manager and he on the other hand took risks and shot into entrepreneurship and owns a guest house in the humble Klerksdorp in the North West Province. Let this link tell you the story:

http://rumonline.co.za/young-entrepreneur-runs-qm-guesthouse-and-functions-venue/

As I read through the link I went down memory lane to my primary school principal who used to say to us "Whatever the human mind can think of can happen."

I couldn't understand his enmity towards everything about being part of the corporate game. However, I grew to understand what I had concluded to be laziness and it translated to passion and patience. I liked his confidence, arrogance and resistance to pressure. Today I believe his brain reaches where it pleases with ease. My point of references clearly didn't influence him as his was evidently as strong as instincts and dreams.

I am inspired, motivated and blown away by a formidable combination of perseverance and hard work. This also took me to one of the pieces I have read by Robert Krulwich who has a remarkable view on the Universe and the powers that are embodied by this
enormous space of energy.

In his own words "Speaking personally, I'm rooting for the universe. I don't need, don't want, don't like the idea of one day knowing all there is to know. I don't think we can. I think about Job, the bible's just and honest man, being lifted up high into the heavens so he can see all of God's creation and shrinking painfully away from the sight of "Things too wonderful for me." I'm not saying we shouldn't try. And even if we amplify our brains with powerful computers, my hunch is the universe will still outwit us, will still be "too wonderful" to be decoded, because we are, in the end, so much smaller than it is. And that's not a bad thing. To my mind, it's the search that matters, that sharpens us, gives us something noble to do."

After that; now I ask you a silly question, with respect (LOL), where is your head at? My mind is still in the corporate game, working towards becoming an MD of a media house (could be my own) at 28, a CEO at 33 and an editor of an international lifestyle magazine at 35. #LEGGO

*Dedicated to my friend - Lehlohonolo "Junior" Ntaopane. Well done!!

Valentine's Introspection

I was promised a Valentine's article by a dear friend but I believe she got caught up in her own love affair, since I did not receive it. Unbeknown to her, she had to be an excuse to cover myself from exposing where I am with love. Now here I am with a piece that may present my own scrutinity of what I believe works for me and to a great degree I am quiet unabashed by writing this.

It is 11:20pm on Valentine's day. Normally I would be out somewhere with someone telling each other all stories that we only know are real in fairy-tales. But here I am with my pen and paper, writing away, for leisure and I must say with pleasure.

I was in a rocky relationship for four and a half years. When it ended I felt like I came from a sudden summer storm and landed in a convent of some sort; no drama, nothing, just normal people. This is what my friends always describe as "that random relationship that ends like a ruffie* date". Well, I think most of the details about that love affair are inconsequential.

Everyone around me is either in a committed relationship, about to get married or going through a divorce. In all honesty, my peers and I are at that age, where it has to be like that - minus the divorces. I live around people who have invested what may seem like a lifetime in each other and it is truly inspiring and beautiful to watch. This is the most amazing course of nature in human life and we all embrace it, just not my cycle.

Needless to say, I tend to seem incongruous in these settings. I have learned to scrupulously avoid anything and everything that could come across as negative or impose my feelings about hogging each other's time or anything of that sort.

This day took me to a time of my life when it was meaningless, I was in a committed but stormy relationship then, but Valentine's day didn't feel significant at that point. This took me down to times I've been single before and during all recesses I've had during my adventure with a "soul-mate".

There are times when I used to shock myself. Some days I felt like I was moving at F1 speed just to catch up with people around me at the time and also to please my audiences; strength over speed, impact over grace, kind of setting...if you get what I mean.

I have been at a point of my life where I decreed that I would have as much fun as possible, for as long as I could afford to and it had to be till the end of time. Nobody knew when that was but at the rate I was going, it could have been at any time. On any day of the week I would go on a drinking debauch; alone, with friends with someone I have randomly met earlier in the day - I didn't care. I rolled on that YOLO tip, but before YOLO came to our shores.

The most important things in my life were my dignity and my wallet, Oh! And my phone too. I would just leer at anyone and steal a kiss for the night if that's what I wanted. I had a chronic "me, me, me" syndrome. I was smooth, sharp with words and always dressed for every occasion like I was about to start the party. No one would dare interrogate me, I did the questioning and I would be quiet oblique if I had ulterior motives. LOL.

I had a long conversation today about Valentine's with a friend and we were laughing about how it used to be thee date to make a move for some people. A courteous occasion. Girls would hurl their youth at me and I would just step daintily into the group and grab whatever I fancied from each and throw at my boys. You'd swear I was feeding my dogs with meat; real flesh to tear and throw away. I did that. I was that guy who walked into a room and would start talking about anything and make it glitter. It had become easy to snare whoever I wanted with my charisma; I meant business.

My social magnetism revolved around my confidence and I never got threatened by the light skinned guys with rock-hard torsos and GQ mag styles, they were never an issue. The most important thing was to do me. I wasn't a player or the best looking guy but I oozed confidence and class. That's what saved me. I didn't submit to what I did not want to do. Maybe it was because I didn't have people buy me drinks and have no choice but to pay in kind. I always took care of my bills. That's what kept me sane, being picky and snobbish regardless of where I was. I never compromised myself, sexually.

Through my relationships and everyone I encountered I noticed what I did to those who fell for me. I have met a bunch of people who genuinely liked me, maybe loved me at times. I didn't care because I knew I was needed somewhere else; to make it happen and drink up a storm and laugh out loud. You wouldn't really expect me to stop the show and chase after any heart. I was the Elvis of my social circles, the Liberace of their fashion fantasies.

This had not been the perfect brand for me. It freaked me out at times. I did not want to be the insatiable and unrelenting person I had become. But it kept me busy, I forgot about all the things that I thought I would never have to face; my studies, my issues and my family.

A million rumours broke about me and I didn't care. Drugs, sexuality, promiscuity, pimp, party-animal, failure and all the dodge things came up, but I knew what was true and what wasn't. Of all the nonsense that came up I got torn by the drug rumour, it got to my family and it didn't sit well with them either. During my escapades I used to get offered drugs, literally every day. One night in Grahamstown some guys used my bank card for cocaine and I didn't mind, I wasn't on it. It didn't tickle my fancy.

My close friends know that I am totally ANTI-drugs, not even weed does it for me. God and I know I have never been on any illegal substance to get by. I have always had copious amounts of energy. I have learned to invest it in better things today; myself, my work, studies and family - and quality friends. It doesn't mean I don't party though, don't get lost in text.

I was oblivious to the long term effects of rumours but I would just shrug and go, because deep down I knew who I was, where I am headed and my gut told me this was a phase. I am not being epigrammatic but something had gone totally wrong and someone had to clear the mess. Sadly I had to.

Gradually, I grew up into being more comfortable with myself, more introspective and patient with myself. I learned how to pace myself. I thought I was losing my game but it felt better, it didn't matter. I toned down. It didn't happen overnight because I was still the resident gig-guide until early 2012. LOL.

I ended the cycle of the relationship that made me go crazy, it was over. Shit-face moved back to Swaziland for good and I got time to live without the possibility of drunk-dialling anyone. I didn't have to compensate. I met new prospects and rebounds and I failed them to, everything didn't work out. Could this have been Karma?

Back to Valentine's: I discovered little things about how intimate I am with the day. It feels like something I'd like to prolong and save, something counter-intuitive but really crucial to cherish. Maybe even give up my freedom and settle in someone's captivity. It made sense.

I didn't wake up one day and feel like Super Man, but I feel mature. I still laugh at how some friends accuse me of becoming an old man. I get sardonic glares every time I want to call it a night. I don't know what happened but I am the first one to want to go to bed. I do not have to keep up with anyone or impress anyone by playing die-hard. My love will find me, my reality will gravitate towards me.

Age isn't supporting the lifestyle of a Casanova and neither do my priorities. But I must say it took me a million love messages and a thousand hearts to make me realise that I am ready for love...but not marriage.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Firsts

I groaned and the alarm buzzed. I wasn't ready to get up, but I'm usually ready to get up. I have too much work to get through and I can't stand the thought of having to be tense at work because of pressure. They have just introduced the KPA system and I must say adjusting is not easy for me, more especially in cases where protocol determines my bonus.

It's 3:55am and I can't get work done or go back to sleep. I'm anticipating a new and better day than Monday was. There is already too much going through my head because I'm contemplating keep my studies on hold this year because of my calendar at work, but I can't really do that.

This normally happens when I have meetings with big personalities, but surprisingly there isn't a big client coming. I usually worry about what to wear, what to say and these even shoot right across to thinking whether my handshake is firm enough or maybe my smile is too wide and doesnt end up looking a goofy grin.

The nature of work I do has made me really comfortable with firsts. I never make much conversation but I always try to keep my dialogue open-ended, for the sake of a healthy atmosphere not necessarily because I like to hear the sound of my own voice. I voluntarily explore every single detail of conversations, oblivious to the many challenges that may inevitably arise.

There are quiet a number of similarities between corporate people regardless of the race, gender or age. Sometimes I wonder about difference. I wonder what it is that makes me a professional besides the rehearsed speeches and clothes I wear to conform to the image. My name? My dark skin? The fact that I am working class, but not poor? The fact that I see past iPads, the two-phone culture of corporate players who have "made it"? What really divides us? Maybe I am supposed to intuit the answer.

My highlights of firsts flash through my head literally like I have a show reel attached to my head. But I have just spotted my best first, this felt like my social investiture within a network of high flyers. I wish I could write about it but it is a pity I will end up mentioning people's names and be sued.

Firsts are uncomfortable moments for people. They are often subtle mysterious moments or emotional foreplay and where everyone decides to stay unknown regardless of the name tags or business cards. 

Ok, I have found a firsts I am comfortable with sharing. The first time I met my house mate at res. It was such an uncomfortable experience. I had never lived with anyone but my family and it had always been easy to throw tantrums, complain about food or leave something anywhere and expect to find it there.

He was just a guy. He couldn't be more than twenty, was my first thought when he walked into the apartment. We had a two bedroom flat and shared the kitchen and shower. He stood for a few seconds in the door way, hesitating. He didn't really look like someone who'd take the nonsense my friends do and say so right there & then two things went through my head 1) I'm going to make his life hell and he won't be here most of the time because he'll keep away from me or 2) I won't be having friends over and just be a good person to the lost soul.

He walked towards me with his hand hanging out as if he'd just come to greet me and leave.

"Sean!" He shook my hand. His grip was strong even though his palm was moist.

 I paused because I didn't know if this was where I was going to say "Dibe with an L" or just "Libe" and get off the hook. Anyway, something eventually came out.

 There are just too many things I have accustomed to by myself; carry my own groceries, change my curtains and bedding and move into a new apartment. I hate disappointments so I really don't expect much from people to avoid that. He looked around the apartment and went out to get his stuff from the car, I assumed. I didn't offer to help or anything, because I really didn't have to.

He came back with two bags and a heavily made up and weaved middle aged woman who didn't look like his mother or his sister. I didn't know what to expect of them at this point, this woman looked like she could roll out a bankie any day and hot-box the apartment.

They went into the room and started unpacking his stuff. I went back to my room and spread myself across my single bed and started plotting what could have been a mission to find out the relationship with the half naked woman.

 To be continued... (I have to get work done)

Marriage Spectator

Had a loooooong conversation about Marriage (I use the cap "M" because I respect and understand it is a reputable institution) with a married friend of mine this evening. Marriage doesn't just happen to anyone. I believe everyone who gets married has had it in their mind for a longer time & worked hard towards it. People imagine, dream, fantasize, pray & wish for it! The universe always delivers what we ask for, only when we constantly embrace our desires by reaching out to them.

My married friend believes getting married is overrated and for people who desperately need a partner to conquer life etc. He even went as far as saying married people are parasitic and shadow each other too much and that seems to be irksome for him. I can't discuss his issues because they seemed to be rooted from troubles at home.

At times like this I wish I could throw him out and ask him to talk to other married people. But again, I could be that different perspective he needs. Debatable...


For someone who is NEVER going to marry, I have my own perceptions and beliefs about marriage and having a family. My life plan has children involved but no marriage albeit my great respect for people who endorse this level of companionship into their affairs.

I jogged my mind through what I know and believe against what I have heard. As a spectator, I think it is the most beautiful union built on prolonged infatuation and tolerance, period. This is just me, I don't think love only is enough for Marriage, and I don't think people who have been married for anything over 10 years still love each other. It is pure tolerance & the laziness to even think of starting something else with anyone. Let's not be fooled. Damn! That was silly of me, I take it back *rolls eyes*.

Unfortunately, people tend to over-exercise power after they get married...expectations, orders, attitudes and at times the sexual appetites and services become ammunitions. That's just not on...

The idea of a wedding & companionship are really different from what Marriage really is. Everyone can have a wedding but not everyone can sustain a Marriage. I don't know where I heard that, but ya, it makes sense to me.

5 of 100 things which I think have and will always tear homes:

1. Sex: married people who don't have enough sex. I promise you it is shocking how many horny married people are roaming the streets spending real money on birds just to "curl toes".

2. Expectations: people need to understand that it won't take a Marriage Counselor to groom your partner into a wife/husband. You make your people, I strongly believe in expressing yourself better and frequently for the next person to get where you are. Don't bring that "but I said it the other time" bullshit!

3. The kids: it is so easy for kids to love parents who love each other. I know this because I used to think my dad was Superman when he did something nice for my mom (it didn't happen often, but hey, LOL). Married people should stop making kids the VIPs of their homes. Kids are mean, devious and need to be ruled not worshiped.

4. Material sh!t: the most fucked up part of married life is credit. Just because you can get more doesn't mean you need more. That "His & Hers" offer at BMW CAN tear the house down if you let it. Just because Rendani & Beyonce took the new Mercedes "His & Hers", it doesn't mean you guys need to. For all shit that's possible Rendani could be fucking his gay boss who's secretly paying for the cars & the house...just saying.

5. Tension, Time & Truth: I don't know how everyone gets beat by all these (Bachelors & Spinsters included). I'm not going to go into this one either because my references will be based on my friend and it might get me into trouble.

If I was planning to get married I would (5 of 1000):

1. Not try to be a great son in law to her parents or siblings but try to stay the best man she married. In Laws always fuck up good things I promise you, they are too quick to judge and spot errors without presenting solutions. But I'd sure respect them for their wisdom.

2. Try as hard as I can to EARN respect and confidence from my wife but not enforce it. It goes a long way, from SINCERELY apologizing where I'm wrong to HONESTLY forgiving where I'm wronged etc

3. Keep my friends' and family's opinions out of my house when handling my arguments. Nothing is as retarded as someone who can't stand up for anything and always have to quote someone when shit hits the fan.

4. NEVER get caught!! Guys need to master this art. The fear and curiosity of the unknown are the most evil source of temptation to any man.

5. Not have kids until we get to a point where companionship has been balanced and we can accommodate a third-wheeler and keep them in their place. This whole having kids nonsense shouldn't be rushed, PACE yourselves.

I know someone is reading this and thinking "What does he know??" Well, let me just answer that.

1. I know that I can get out of a sticky situation without a terrible fight, learn that.

2. I can remain humble no matter how unfair the situation is and express myself without making the next person feel attacked, do that.

3. I know that you aren't sure if this is really what marriage is about. If you are sure she is the one then make her happy by being your best. If you ask me how "to be your best" then get a divorce & commit suicide because you are clearly a retard.

4. I know that I can navigate between different personalities to accommodate the people I am investing in long term relationships with...be a clown, a brother, friend, partner, mentor, listener, follower, fan & the friend that prays. As a man, you need to shut your eyes and play a fool now and again, it won't hurt you, but just encourage the feedback you anticipate when you do all these.

5. I know my worth & how God expects me to lead my life. I refuse to commit to anything which is supposed to be in Holy matrimony & divorce after a year.

I don't know much about Marriage, but I know a lot about quality relationships and the FACT that I am not going to marry. Make it work guys, its YOUR call.

I am really excited for ALL my friends getting married this year & I wish you the best!! #MakeItWork #Thick&Thin...fUn & CLASs

Job Seeker's Spirit

Some of the most powerful moments of my life happen when I am totally under stress and feel like I am about to explode. My biggest fear is not having a job because unlike most of my friends I don’t have folks who can take care of my bills. Living off a single parent with siblings hasn’t been the best setting and I doubt it ever is unless it is like a fairy-tale.

From what I have experienced job hunting is a daunting process for everyone. What beats me is when someone has the guts to say “Get me a job”. I never know how to react or how to honestly tell the person to grow up or man up. I can’t get over another friend who said the same impossible line to me and when I explained how unconnected I am he uttered vigorous expletives.

I just jogged my mind to June 2011 when nothing was going my way; I kept calm and made a plan. There were a few factors that had me in the doldrums (a) the agency I was with was being liquidated (b) finances were a mess (c) I needed food, shelter, tuition and to get by. At times I would just wake up and send about 50 applications and C.Vs to companies all over Gauteng and there would be nothing.

I decided to write this piece to give you an idea of stunts I’ve pulled to get a job. I don’t believe in this spending 24hrs on the internet looking for a job, I did it for about two months and I saw it fail me.  I had been looking for a job from March of the same year and nothing was popping until May. Needless to say, I became devastated and something had to happen. Sadly in the case of growing up, I had to be the catalyst.

About 400 (Fact: I counted) applications later I got an interview with an Advertising Agency in Fourways in Joburg – about 70km from my apartment in Hatfield. I didn’t know how I was going to do that, because I had a lease in Pretoria and if I got the job I would possibly have to source rent, deposit and all other nonsense fees to move into an apartment which could be about +/-R15000 for a new apartment in Jozi. Someone had to do it.

My interview was at 09h30 on a cold Tuesday morning. With my directions downloaded from Google and CV I made way to Joburg, I was not much of a fan of the city but at this point I didn’t have choice. Something had to happen.  I drove out of Pretoria at 07h15 after praying for a good hour. I had had such an intense conversation with God I don’t think he had a choice but to come with me to this one and not even send an angel, I needed the big Boss. That morning, India Arie even sound like a gospel artist. Through all of these I didn’t know my fate lied on the N1 just by the Old Johannesburg road, my throat still dries up every time I pass there.

 It was peak traffic and everything was at a standstill. 08h30. with an hour left and still on the same spot, my palms were sweating and I felt what felt like tears roll down my face, I was devastated. Firstly, I did not know my way around Johannesburg, secondly, I was only on R80 petrol budget for this trip (Please don’t ask me why I hadn’t switched off the engine in traffic).  Lastly, I was really hungry and shaky.

I didn’t want to call my mother or sister to share this frustration because I knew they wouldn’t believe I was genuinely ahead of time, women! Still want to know why I don’t have one? I had stopped keeping my eyes on the clock as every second of splintered time was now equivalent to what seemed like thirty heartbeats. At 09h00 I called the agency to explain my situation and informed the lady across the line that I would be there as soon as I could. My biggest fear at this point was to commit to time because of the unbelievable sea of cars that lay before me with engines off.

“Mr Mohale please be here by 11h00 because that is the only time I can make for you, I have other interviews to attend do.” She admonished from the other side of the line. I could not even explain further because my airtime had started reminding me of my broke state. I said my Okays and Goodbyes as fast as I could to avoid any embarrassments. I wouldn’t want her to think I hung up on her.

I snailed through the traffic and with the radio off because it seemed to make time go faster as Azania of Metro FM kept on mentioning time that morning. You’d swear she was sent from hell. I don’t know if she was just playing short songs only or my situation had made every ten minutes seem like a minute. At 10h10 I was still in Midrand and the traffic was not getting any better. At this point I was an emotional wreck and made a decision not to go.

Making the second call to cry about traffic would seem like a lie and I couldn’t afford to lose the little sanity and integrity I had left for myself. This moment was important to me; I did not care about the interview and for a second had forgotten how broke I was. Thanks to the stress the hunger was also gone. I just wanted to gather myself and go back to bed. I got over everything: life, job hunting and everything that had to be done. In the midst of all these as I was looking for the nearest off ramp to make a turn back to my place; the petrol light went on.  I didn’t care, I got over that too and made a decision to drive the bloody car to where it would stop and I would make plan from there.

My friend, Mpeo, called to find out how the interview went and I didn’t even know what to say to her. I didn’t have an answer but I knew I needed petrol money because I was not going to make it to my place. I asked her to EFT a R100 into my account and I couldn’t even commit to any reimbursements because I didn’t know when I’d be able to pay it back.  All I knew is I needed it. Fortunately my guardian angel helped. I made it to the garage and did that R80 petrol thing again; I needed to keep the R20 as my ad hoc saving. LOL

My dad had never been to middle school or varsity, but his respect for time and how he’d emphasise time to be invested no matter what always play in my mind. I had a day which pretty much was going to be a waste. When you hit rock bottom in life you calculate everything (a) the soap I used to bath (b) electricity I used to iron (c) petrol and time itself. I needed to find a way to recover all of these valuables; I had to claim my return on investment. LOL

I had sent hundreds of applications across the country and at this point I wanted to make my day count. Something had to happen. I had sent my CV to Vega School of Visual Communication for a post I had seen on bizcommunity and the day prior to this was the closing day for applications for that post. I made a decision again; drove to Vega with the aim of finding out about my application. I had to be my own hero at this point. He-man. All-man. A real beer – drinking, red – meat eating tough guy.

I was not worried about the embarrassment of getting there and being told to wait for a call or email. Even that too would make me better. It would be feedback and closure to a chapter. I got to Vega. The reception area was an upmarket setting with the receptionist working from a Mac. She was a young lady who looked at me sharply and it made me somewhat feel uncomfortable. It made me worry and I almost thought she could see how hungry I was. The place did not look like a tertiary institution at all, more like an advertising agency.

I did not have an appointment, did not know who to ask for and to make matters worse - didn’t know if they received my CV. All that mattered to me is I knew what I wanted, I needed a job. I asked the receptionist about the particular position I saw on Bizcommunity and wanted to find out if they had placed someone. Fortunately she knew about it but did not know if there was someone already. The thought of going back to my place with nothing churned my empty stomach. I confidently demanded to see the Human Resources Manager or whoever that is responsible for the particular division. A part of me hoped she’d say I would have to make an appointment, but the hungry part of me was determined to get into that office and tell whoever there was how hungry I was and needed a job.

She got up and went off to one of the offices where I heard her tell whoever that was in there about me. The door was half open so I could even hear man’s voice responding to her as she told him about this hungry lost soul. When she got back asking me to wait for the principal, I felt like I was anchored on the seat. The Principal title took me back to Lesotho High School; where the principal was someone you didn’t really want to see often. We either saw him (a) at assembly, (b) when you were going to get some ass whipping or (c) when you had to run away from him.

At this point I was not really sure what this place is about, I just knew it was a fancy school that had something to do with advertising, branding or photography. My heart was racing as my fingers maneuvered through my phone’s keypad trying to Google and see what the hell was happening here. I do not have a photographic memory, therefore I didn’t grasp much as my study methods include writing and rephrasing into my own words. You can imagine the turmoil I was going through. What had I done to myself?

Hardly five minutes later, there was a tall man walking towards me in the foyer. He could be the principle, I thought. He walked towards me with a contrived smile as he reached out his arm to shake my hand. I looked good, that much I know but I was really hungry. This was my moment to shine and I didn’t want to mess it up. I got up and shook his hand then he ushered me to his office. He asked if I would like to have something to drink and I mumbled coffee carefully because at this point my mind was about to force out the word ‘food’ out of my mouth. Ironically he didn’t even ask what I said and just asked the secretary to send coffee. But I still think I wasn’t audible enough.

His office was rather small for a principal’s office. I sat adjacent to him on his couches trying as hard as I can to be culture conscious and look him straight into the eye when he spoke to me. He was a kind person, seemed like a father, not meek but really kind. The minute he gave me the floor I fought for my hunger, I made use of the time he gave me. I felt strength coming out of me, sparks became fireworks, a nuclear explosion, and a supernova. I sold my brand.

At the end of the discussion he promised to call me, which was not bad. I left his office and was able to call my mom, I had feedback this time. An hour later I was called for an interview and I got the job and started a week later. Unfortunately I left the institution nine months later.

Now my friends, no one will get you a job. Please do something and get off the internet. Make a decision. Get your sales pitch ready and sell yourselves positively....fUn & ClAsS